We are now entering our 3rd year of growing flowers, fruit and veg at our little Casa Valhal garden. We have already had a discussion about what seeds we want to sow this year as the magic begins in February. Similar to last year we are only going to grow crops that we regularly eat on our weekly meal plans. The price of fresh fruit and veg has soured in the local shops so my plan is to just grow what we eat and not to include any wild cards this year. I can’t speak for hubby as he is the seed man and he might surprise me.

2023 Seed Selection – My Seedy Garden Photo Shoot

Let’s get Seedy! It’s that time of year when we plan our fruit and vegetable garden and purchase our seeds. I am a frugal girl so I save a lot of seed from previous harvests and I make my own organic compost. We don’t have a huge garden so I limit my seeds to a few firm favourites and plant a few treats for our crazy chickens and fur ball Maniac Milo. With the ever rising cost of food one simple pleasure I adore is growing my own food from seed, it’s very satisfying. Nurturing a tiny seedling and caring for it until Helena’s Happy Harvest. Organic, homegrown veg tastes so much better than shop bought. My top tip: For a seed to grow you must sing to them every day (ha ha). My actual sensible tip would be: Garden as though you will live forever. Don’t be afraid of trying something new. There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments. Also don’t presume you require a huge garden to grow fruit and veg. We grow all our Chillies and Tomatoes in raised beds and containers/pots. Even if you have no garden and just a balcony, you can grow multiple fruit and vegetables as there are many plants that don’t require huge amounts of ground space, some grow vertically, just do your research.

As I mentioned, hubby is in control of ordering/purchasing our seeds. He has a favourite website for his chilli seeds that he regularly uses. Similar to last year we have decided to only grow what we eat and try not to get carried away with weird and wonderful new varieties of fruit and veg that might be tricky to grow. Previous years I tried my hand at Sweetcorn, Sweet Potatoes and Luffah. I don’t usually buy seeds from supermarkets but I stumbled across some very cheap seeds in Lidl on our monthly food staple shopping trip. I decided to give it a go and bought the following: 2 varieties of Cherry Tomatoes, 2 varieties of Courgettes including some that are round shaped, Broccoli and Sunflowers. I love planting Sunflowers as they act as great companion plants and pest deterrents. They make great table decorations and are also very pretty. Our chickens love the seeds too. Hubby ordered his Chilli seeds and he loves to opt for different varieties each year. This year he has purchased 3 different varieties: Demre, Puerto Rico Yellow and Sugar Rush Stripey. I can’t wait to see the results! We will sow our seeds during the final weeks of February and start them off in our sunroom so they are ready to plant outside during the month of April.

We are experiencing such a contrast with the weather in January. One minute I’m hurtling down the Serra do Açor hills on my morning jog in 1 degree cold, trying not to slip on the frosty ground then just a few hours later I’m in a summer dress and sunglasses pottering around my gorgeous garden in 16 degree heat and debating if to dig my bikini out of the closet (ha ha). You can clearly see I’m elated with my seed selection this year. So happy I’m accidentally flashing my bra in some of the photos, sincere apologies. Your lucky I’m actually wearing one as I’m usually “Charlie Dimmock’s” twin when it comes to gardening. Let it all hang out and breathe is my motto (ha ha). When in doubt, add flowers to your hair and don’t forget to smile.

Oranges & Lemons (03/01/2023)

I know size isn’t everything but look at this whopper! This current orange season has blessed us with gigantic oranges and I think it’s due to all the recent rainfall. I LOVE returning from a run and picking a couple of juicy oranges to enjoy, such a great source of Vitamin C. It’s a simple pleasure which brings much joy. I am also super impressed with our lemon tree as this was our first ever tree that we purchased here in Portugal. We bought it from Arganil market and it was very small and cost around €7. We chose it because it was the only lemon tree that already had 2 lemons growing. Initially we planted it in our top garden close to our fig tree but then had to move it to our lower garden once we decided to get chickens and renovate the tiny garden ruin into a chicken coop. In all honesty I never thought it would survive being uprooted but it did and surprised us both. There was a point in time where I thought the bloke selling it might have superglued the 2 lemons onto it as it didn’t seem to want to grow any more fruit and the 2 initial lemons fell off onto the floor (ha ha). All that was needed was a little patience and some TLC. Fast forward and we are now blessed with so many huge lemons. I’m amazed at how much it has grown in a short couple of years as some fruit trees take several years to bear fruit. I have included a photo from the market of the day we bought the lemon tree home so you can see it’s rapid growth. I LOVE the smile on hubby’s little face, he is very excited about buying his first fruit tree in Portugal (ha ha).

Another day, another basket full of Oranges. Please excuse the DIY mission in progress below the balcony. We are sanding down all the railings to re-paint and weatherproof. We have multiple railings so it’s going to be a long, exhausting job.

Beautiful Japanese Camellia (11/01/23)

What a beautiful afternoon for gardening with chickens. Such a simple joy but after living in a 1 bedroom first floor rear flat with no garden in the UK for 8 long years, I relish having my own little slice of tranquility. I call it Helena’s Haven. I LOVE Japanese Camellia.

The Perfect Palette Soulmate Sofa for 2 (18/01/2023)

This is not really seed to feed but garden related and I just had to share my joy. Last year I managed to obtain several wooden palettes in a local Facebook swap group. My aim was to make another compost bin but they just sat in my sunroom for an eternity. For the past year we have been using 2 old garden chair cushions on a daily basis to sit on the ground whilst we hang out and free range our chickens. The plastic chairs are long gone as we inherited them with the house and they were so old and perished in the sun to the point where one collapsed as I sat my lardy ass on it. I kept the cushions because I thought I could re-use the foam inside. Anyway, we have been using these old cushions directly on the garden ground so they have got very muddy. The chickens love to come and walk over them too and although I have washed them they are always covered in mud and muck. At some point I would like to source some awesome chicken fabric and recover the foam.

Love is when your significant other transforms old palettes into a garden sofa so you can free range your chickens in comfort. Ever since my failed spinal surgery to remove my coccyx, I am unable to sit directly on the hard ground without experiencing extreme pain so I need a cushion or two. Our chickens seem quite amused by the new addition and often jump on my lap (ha ha). Hubby now has a bright idea of making a little picnic table and bench for our chickens out of the remaining leftover palettes, watch this space! (ha ha).

The Paint Job

Unfortunately I ran out of paint so it’s work in progress. I chose blue to match the existing recycled cushions. DIY tasks always require multiple marshmallows for energy and a perfect sugar rush. I always get covered in paint so hubby has found a genius way of keeping me fed. Marshmallows on a BBQ skewer (ha ha).

My Chickens Approve

My chickens adore my sofa as much as I do (ha ha).

Cushion Comfort

We recycled the old cushion covers for now. I’m not a huge fan but they will only get covered in poop – chicken poop, not my poop (ha ha). I can’t make up my mind if they fit better up the right way or upside down and Judith AKA Poodith doesn’t care (ha ha).

Garden Art Tittie Project – Take 2 (21/01/2023)

Technically this is also not Seed to Feed but too much FUN not to share and garden related. Today = “Garden art tittie project” Take 2. Last May I surprised hubby with some awesome garden art whilst he returned to the UK. I transformed 2 round stones on a pillar into a pair of breasts because why not! You could say my project went “Tits Up” because the birds have taken quite a shine to my gorgeous lady nipples, I honestly can’t blame them. Today was the day, after an afternoon of DIY I made a new pair of Nipples and painted them radiant red as I think the pink and red combo compliments the pretty Japanese camellias. Probably not the best choice in colours as birds love red as they think it’s berries and food. I’m sure my new nipples will be pecked to pieces in no time. Oh well, all breasts deteriorate over time. Your never too old to have FUN.

Colour Coordinated Garden Tittie Art Selfies

What a glorious and perfect afternoon for some hilarious updated colour coordinated garden tittie art selfies. I really love my new red nipples. I just wish mine were as round and perky. A girl can dream. The sunlight was blinding and I couldn’t see what the hell I was taking photos of. The builders next door and bloke in house behind me both think I’m crazy as I’m posing in the garden in a bikini top teamed with sweat pants, ski socks and slippers. At least I’m giving them free entertainment and a right laugh to lift the Monday blues. I probably should have put some make up on for such up close and personal selfies, I couldn’t be assed but at least my hair is clean and my grey roots are refreshed. Unfortunately I’m a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee but at least it means I can jog without getting 2 black eyes. You are never too old to have fun guys. As you can see, I don’t take myself too seriously. Embrace life and find joy in the small simple stuff. I’m off to play with my chickens.

When Your Outfit Matches Your Tits

Mince Pie Trade Off (21/01/2023)

Again not Seed to Feed but a kind gesture which was highly appreciated. I absolutely LOVE a friendly food trade. Fresh eggs happily exchanged for British Mince Pies. You might remember my recent mardy ass menopausal lady rant about not wanting to pay a whopping €7.20 at the local village store for 6 British mince pies. I did not give into temptation and hubby was under strict instruction not to step foot down the British aisle or pay the consequences (ha ha). I adore the simple pleasure of swapping food and harvests. If you have surplus then share the JOY. Do they taste different because it’s not Christmas? Hell No, they were absolutely delicious with banana and homemade vanilla custard made with fresh eggs from our gorgeous hens. Sharing is Caring. Mince pie after a day of DIY (with a picture perfect view). The rest are in the freezer because if I leave them in the kitchen cupboard I will eat the whole lot as I’m a greedy piglet and have little self control (ha ha).

Bee Happy – Garden Fairy Lights (23/01/2023)

Hubby bought me the cutest new solar fairy string lights for the garden. How adorable are the bumble bee design, I love them. I just need the summer to arrive so I can party into the night and enjoy the sight. I’ve always loved bees, we get so many in our garden. What can I say apart from “Bee Happy”.

When Life Gives You Lemons (24/01/2023)

When life gives you lemons grab the tequila and salt or learn to juggle (ha ha). Our neighbours in the house behind us gifted us the Clementine’s.

Miss Marple on a Mission

I have found a couple of random hollowed out oranges this week so put on my detective Miss Marple hat and investigated. I was expecting a giant rat but it was unexpectedly a beautiful serene bird. I was amazed that it managed to break open the orange in half and scoop out so much orange flesh with total precision, how wonderful.

I don’t mind sharing my fruit with the local wildlife as we have a huge tree and there’s only so many oranges a girl can consume before she either turns the colour of an Oompa Loompa or is shitting through the eye of a needle (ha ha). I have a freezer full of citrus to keep me supplied in jam and marmalade until I’m 98. If I die before this age I might have to gift it to someone in my will (ha ha).

Sturdy Seed Trays

A lot of seed trays are so flimsy and fall apart after one use, they are also really expensive here in Portugal. I recycle individual old seed pots as I don’t like to use plastic much. When we purchased our house we found several plastic plant pots of all shapes and sizes in our old shed. These are great for our seedlings next phase but I like to sow seeds in smaller seed trays as it’s just easier and saves space. I decided to splurge on some decent reusable seed trays from Leroy Merlin. They are thick, strong and sturdy – a bit like me (ha ha). These look awesome and hopefully will last a few years. They have 12 holes, come in packs of 10 and cost around €5. I also had the choice of purchasing 24 holes in a pack of 5 but I prefer the smaller trays because I can sow one variety of seed in each tray so no confusion. We have decided to clean out the sun room and sow our seeds in mid March when I return from my trip from the UK. Last year we started mid Feb as it was nice weather then we got a frost and some seeds took forever to germinate so I would rather wait, patience is a virtue, it’s just a shame I have zero of it (ha ha).

The Hollowed Out Heart

A bird has hollowed out an orange via a heart shaped hole. I love Nature Art. Simple joys in life make me smile. I hope your heart is full of happiness and is never hollowed out! I wasn’t prepared for the multiple ants that crawled out of the hole and ran up my sleeve (ha ha).

Sowing Seeds (18/03/2023)

Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow – perhaps it all will. Albert Einstein. Today we sowed our seeds. RIP poor baby Gecko, we found him squished in the shed door. This year I’m trying to grow a blanket of barley grass for our Guinea piggies. Wish me luck.

You know when you’ve consumed too many summer 2022 ice creams when you have over 100 lolly sticks to recycle as plant labels (ha ha). In winter I eat Portuguese cake and coffee but in summer I enjoy ice cream and wine. We still have an injured poorly bird Judith. Her leg is still bad and she can’t venture down the steps to join the others and explore the garden but she is being a brave soldier. Here’s to a Happy Helena Harvest.

Spring is Here – The Mighty Spade Workout (20/03/2023)

Wow, what another glorious day, my regular 7K jog followed by an afternoon of gardening. Who needs the gym when you have the mighty spade workout, digging is brutal on the biceps, I’m hoping to strike gold and not find a dead body (ha ha). Now it’s chicken therapy O Clock and quite possibly another Curly Wurly, I’ve certainly earned it. Gardening with chickens is so much fun. I discovered the first sign of tiny figs today, the first day of Spring is definitely here.

Onion Weeds

I keep finding these plants growing out of our schist walls. The wonder of nature. They are very pretty, look like snowdrops and smell like onions/chives. Apparently they are onion weeds and completely edible. Free food makes frugal Helena very happy (ha ha). I do hope I’ve identified them correctly. If they turn out to be poisonous and I die, you know why and don’t place any of these flowers on my grave as I will come back to haunt you for an eternity (ha ha). Maybe I will test them out on hubby first, if he survives, I know they are O.K (ha ha).

Another scorcher of a day so had to wear my sun visor which makes me look like a crazy bitch (ha ha). It’s impossible to look glam whilst gardening with dirty messy hair but I’m still rocking my white Wimbledon look, any one for tennis? Just make sure you bring the Pimms and strawberries.

Adrian Shearer

Hubby is delighted with his new garden shears. Never mind Alan Shearer I’ve got my very own Adrian Shearer (ha ha). This is quite possibly only one rare occasion you will see him in a shirt. He has to work from the office and there’s a strict dress code which being a T.Shirt and Jeans kind of man he is obviously delighted with (ha ha). Yes I’m dirty, sweaty and have messy hair but I don’t care, I’m not about to start using filters to disguise my wrinkles at nearly 50. I’m also not spending our cash on botox when I can spend it on cake and coffee (ha ha).

The AWOL Chilli Seeds (25/03/2023)

The chilli seeds that went AWOL in the post eventually arrived so today we sow more seed and await the Harvest. I’m shocked at what has germinated in just 7 short days! I discovered a dead bumblebee being eaten by ants which made me very sad. This fella was a fluffy soul. I buried Mr Bee and said a little prayer. RIP you marvelous creature. We ended the day with more Chicken, Caffeine & Curly Wurly Therapy.

Gardening with Chickens (28/03/23)

The weather today was nearly 30 degrees! My ladies can’t cope with extreme heat so took shade under the fig tree. It gave me a great opportunity to snap a few photos of them together as they are seldom all in one place at the same time. I LOVE gardening with our chickens as they are great diggers and help me weed. They also follow me wherever I go. I headed down to the sun room to plant more barley seed as our Guinea pigs loved it so much. I used the old plastic heart that the strawberries came in. I’ve already recycled this plastic heart shaped container into a jelly mould and now I’m hoping it will make a little heart shaped barley grass blanket for my piggies to enjoy at Easter time. My chickens followed me down to an area of the garden they rarely venture into. They then got scared so sat on the wall watching me from afar. They made a perfect silhouette against the shed wall (ha ha). I also lacquered my garden titties today because all breasts require a little up-keep and maintenance over time (ha ha).

Barley Seed Grass

This germinated so quickly and our Guinea Pigs adored it!

Fabulous Figs

The gigantic fig tree has produced many tiny figs! I can’t wait until fig season which is usually July/Aug-Oct.

Wild Pretty Poppy (4th April 2023)

At this time of year, wild poppies magically appear amongst the weeds. How very beautiful!

Batty Hatty Helena (06/04/2023)

Today I am Hatty Helena but hubby says I’m more Batty than Hatty – crazy as a bat (ha ha). It was a roasting hot day and 30 degrees in the shade so I needed a hat for the garden. I only own 2 hats, a baseball cap and a proper posh Primarni ladies do lunch hat. My dilemma is do I want to look like a member of the Backstreet Boys or Camilla Parker-Bowles (The Duchess of Cornwall) well I am from Bristol (ha ha). I’m not sure what my vibe and look is today, “Urban Street” or “Total Elegance” maybe just “Crazy Brit” (ha ha).

There may have been some alcohol involved whilst I made some videos which you see on Casa Valhal Facebook and Instagram. My Portuguese neighbour has arrived for the Easter weekend so I made him laugh (ha ha). Unfortunately my video rendition of the 1999 classic Backstreet boys “I want it that way” song failed as I accidentally lifted my skirt and flashed my bits so I had to delete it, I know your devastated (ha ha). Don’t panic as there are 3 Lady of the manor video’s to enjoy. Which hat do you like best?

Heart Shaped Barley Seed Grass (06/04/2023)

What a glorious day, it’s still 26 degrees in the shade and nearly 7.30pm. We are re-potting up some of our seedlings. I love this time of year as everything is bursting into life and hubby can help me in the garden after work. I grew the Guinea piggies more barley grass in a heart shaped recycled container What a wonderful life, so blessed and grateful. Look how wonderful and bright it is at 7.30pm!

Rick & Negan LOVE Barley Seed Grass

Our Piggies LOVED their heart shaped barley seed grass, so adorable!

DIY & Desserts (15/04/2023)

Getting my Just desserts. This is just the perfect kind of sugar reward I need after a day of sanding the garden railings in the sun. Life is short, eat the dessert. Oh and eat the marshmallows too on skewers of course so you don’t eat the toxic paint dust. I have an impressive tan line from my gloves. Most ladies have shoulder bikini strap tan lines, I have awesome glove wrist tan lines so brown arms and white hands (ha ha). I was so vigorous with my hand job (sanding) that I wore a hole in my gloves. I blame the excessive fingering of the railing curls (ha ha).

Last year I bought a little mint herb plant from a local supermarket so we could enjoy cocktails. I decided to plant it next to our strawberries and see if it would grow. It’s spread quite rapidly and makes a perfect addition to drinks and desserts. I made these desserts with 2 colour tone jelly and garnished with our marvelous mint. The jelly matches my 2 tone hair and grey roots! Can’t wait to visit the hairdresser this week. Who knew one could have so much fun with a trifle (ha ha).

Our Fabulous Fig Tree (16/04/2023)

Courgettes, Sunflowers & Beer Traps (22/04/2023)

What a beautiful day for some Mr & Mrs Gardening. Today we planted out the Courgettes and Sunflowers and dug in plenty of manure and our homemade compost. We set up a few slug & snail beer traps in old jam jars as we grow 100% Organic so use no pesticides. Here’s to a Happy Helena Harvest. I will never ever get bored of my little oasis of a garden, so blessed.

Raised Beds, Snakes, Lost Dog & Lemon Sorbet (29/04/2023)

What a random title! Today we sorted the raised beds for our tomatoes and chilies. I also planted some cabbages at the rear of our property. The frugal Helena found an old pair of net curtains lurking in a cupboard from the previous house owners so I recycled them as a plant protection device from our chickens. If only they knew that the cabbages I’m growing are for them they wouldn’t try and peck at the seeds. I don’t know about anyone else but I still think Annette Curtain is the best ever drag queen name (ha ha).

The highlight of my day was finding a large snake! Unfortunately it was dead so we laid it to rest. I love living in a schist casa as snakes, frogs, geckos and even bees love to hide out between all the schist stone cracks and crevices. Beautiful Mother Nature. A random dog also turned up and stayed all afternoon. I was just about to name my new pet when his owners collected him. His names Chapo, no wonder he didn’t respond to Daryl (ha ha). Today I made my first ever batch of lemon sorbet with our lemons freshly picked from our little tree. I know get me, all domesticated Delia in the kitchen (ha ha). Now it’s a waiting game. Patience is a virtue! My only regret is not adding Vodka (ha ha). If we get some more strawberries I might try my hand at a strawberry sorbet next time, just perfect for this Portuguese heat. Hubby is a dirty boy with a huge snake – not in his pants (ha ha).

Sunshine & Squash (04/05/2023)

Our Squash have grown significantly with all the crazy heat we have had recently. one has already started to flower! I can’t say the same for our Chilies and Tomatoes, most just couldn’t cope with the extreme heat and died. I put my arm in the photo for scale. I have a regular sized lady arm, I hope (ha ha).

Wonderful Weeds & Wild Poppies

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them (ha ha). I’ve given up weeding the top garden and I just let my crazy Chickens garden this area for me. I don’t care that it is covered in weeds. Hubby does strim it now and then so it doesn’t become too wild and a fire risk but my ladies love to forage amongst the weeds and the bees love it too. I wouldn’t see all these wonderful wild poppies if I had a tidy and trim garden. That’s my excuse anyway (ha ha).

Garden Gratitude

I will never ever moan about gardening being hard work because after living in a tiny flat for many years with no garden and not even a window in my bedroom for fresh air, this simple blessing feels like a luxury. The best part is once you have completed your garden chores it’s Jager Bomb O Clock! God bless Duty Free booze (ha ha). I can’t believe that I have reached the ripe old age of 49 without trying this alcohol beverage.

Death by Oleander or Oleander Death

We have 4 Oleander bushes in our garden. They are not my favourite flowering shrub as the sap and leaves are highly toxic. Luckily for us they are located no where near to our chickens and I have no intention of chewing on a leaf (ha ha). One of the bushes is so cramped next to our Rose of Sharon and we have been considering removing this one for ages. Today was the day! We chopped it right back but the roots are deep and strong. Hubby got to work with a hand saw whilst I chopped up all the branches. It was a tedious job in the heat and it’s still not finished but phase one is done. We still have the nightmare task of trying to dig up the stump and roots. I might locate the chainsaw next weekend. After much debate we decided to down tools and head to the local Intercultural Festival because the gardening will always be there for another day and the strawberry cornetto’s won’t eat themselves (ha ha). I really should have taken a before photo but I forgot. I’m such a frugal lass that I managed to recycle some of the sturdy branches to use as poles to support my tomatoes if they ever decide to grow bigger than 2 inches tall.

Festival Fun

Shagging the Squash – Garden Update (14/04/2023)

Things are progressing slowly but I’m delighted! if your wondering what hubby is doing with the Squash and Courgette then be prepared to be alarmed. He is hand pollinating the female flowers, or as we like to call it he is “Shagging the Squash” He’s never had so much FUN (ha ha).

Courgette Virgins (15/05/2023)

It’s our first year of growing Courgettes. It’s all a bit hit and miss when you grow 100% organic but so far so good. This was last evening after a well deserved soaking. It’s not raining in sunny Portugal, it’s bloody roasting to the point I’m semi naked in the garden and letting it all hang out whilst chilling with my chickens under the shade of the fig tree. It’s hard work being a lady of leisure (ha ha).

Crazy Courgettes (20/05/2023)

One minute you’re young, hip and carefree and the next minute you’re photographing vegetables in your garden (ha ha).

Apparently size doesn’t matter but look how excited hubby’s little face is with the progress of our Courgettes! As I said previously, we are Courgette virgins and growing them for the first time this year, the regular long sausage/penis shape ones and round ones (ha ha). I honestly can’t believe the rapid growth spurt in just 5 days! Variety is the spice of life.

1st Courgette Harvest & Radiant Rain (21/05/2023)

A beautiful morning gardening before the rain, hubby fixed the compost bin and I was in charge of trimming the ivy bush because I did such a great job with my own lady garden (ha ha). I really wanted to cut it into a rude shape but resisted and shaped it into a teardrop design as usual. We Chopped down an old small dead tree and talented hubby recycled the trunks into a new chicken perch. Our compost is awesome!

I harvest our first ever Courgette for a tasty omelette lunch made with fresh eggs from our chickens and I threw in some tuna and ham for the protein. I am so grateful for the rain, our garden was screaming out for a good soaking.

Garden Art Project – Bee Happy (21/05/2023)

The skies opened and it started raining so we embarked on a Mr & Mrs Art Project. I don’t have an artistic bone in my body but I had a genius idea to paint bees and flowers on white tiles to decorate my garden. It’s clearly evident who got their GCSE in Art and the greedy piglet who chose Food Technology (ha ha).

I did try my best effort but I suck at painting. I was relocated to paint mixer because we only have limited colours so I tried to blend new funky shades. It’s work in progress but I’m confident the end result will be awesome as hubby is multi talented and if not we had a lot of fun together. In my defense I did transform my old stone pillar into a fantastic pair of garden titties which are still a quirky focal point and party conversation starter (ha ha). Bee Happy folk!

More Courgette Harvest (23/05/2023)

Rude Shaped Veg (27/05/2023)

A lot of people think life slows down and things get boring when we get older but but today we harvested our 1st ever round Courgettes. I’m not sure which one of us is more excited but I have a sneaky suspicion it might be ME as I’m buzzing and it’s not from all the Portuguese coffee. I’m making no apologies (ha ha).

We had to abolish our plans of attending the Penela medieval festival as I’m still in a lot of pain and no way up to the journey or crowds. We have swapped historical culture festival fun for pottering around the garden and have an afternoon planned at our local Tábua horticulture festival. Frugal Helena hopes to swap some seeds. Sharing is caring I should have entered my veggies into one of the competitions. I wonder if they had a category for rude shaped veg (ha ha).

We decided to do a taste taste because the proof is in the pudding or should I say courgette (ha ha). There was a clear winner! The ROUND courgette won 1st prize for sure for taste. Apparently the flowers are edible too but I’m not too keen as there are so many ants on the courgette flowers. I think they are attracted and feeding on the pollen as I can’t see any aphids on the plants.

A Much Needed Rainy Bank Holiday (29/05/2023)

Today is a UK Bank Holiday but a regular working day here in Portugal. Whilst the UK folk are basking in the sunshine with their tops off and BBQ’s out, we are welcoming the much needed rain. Our garden is thriving with the recent down pours and everything is looking rather lush and green.

The Death Pot (29/05/2023)

We have a long standing joke that this is the death pot. This large stone pot came with the house sale and whenever we plant anything in it the plant either doesn’t grow at all or starts to grow then dies a slow painful death and occasionally a rapid record breaking death. We have tried so many different plants including flower bulbs, herbs, veggies etc. We are puzzled as we have replenished the soil and compost with the same mix as our other containers and raised beds, there is adequate drainage so it’s a mystery for sure. Just for a laugh, I planted some Lettuce and I don’t want to speak too soon but they are not looking too shabby. Maybe our luck has changed and we need to re-name it “The Lettuce Pot” (ha ha).

Direct Ground Verses Raised Beds (03/06/2023)

A beautiful afternoon of gardening with my soulmate. Most folk think crops grow better in the ground but we always try a combination of both: direct ground & raised beds/container planting. Delighted with the results so far. You don’t need a lot of land to produce your own food. All grown from seed, 100% Organic and homemade compost made from our amazing chicken and furry friend poop (ha ha).

Blooming Marvellous – Sunflowers

Our first Sunflower of 2023. A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

Lettuce Be Happy (09/06/2023)

Today we harvest our first lush Lettuces, 100% organically grown from seed in our little oasis of a garden. Just when my neighbour thought my garden fashion shows couldn’t get any more bizarre, then they did (ha ha). I think he enjoyed my bunny show the best but my lettuce rain dance show is now a clear winner and gains proud 1st prize, I’m not sure why (ha ha). I’m still gutted that I missed World Naked Gardening Day but not as gutted as my neighbour (ha ha).

I’ve never had so much fun with a lettuce. Just think what I could get up to with a bunch of cucumbers, shame I’m allergic. I ended up putting some clothes on as the neighbours wife was giving me eagle eye death stares and it was raining (ha ha).

I’m off for a shower now because I’m saturated in soil and a little bit of a dirty girl.

I’m Sexy and I Grow it (ha ha).

Soup & Salad (09/06/2023)

The lush lettuce made a perfect salad along with the courgettes and some carrots. I enjoyed this yummy salad with a homemade sweet potato, chickpea and lentil soup, yummy in my tummy.

More Rude Shaped Veggies (10/06/2023)

I share more rude shaped veggies from my garden. Look who came to join in the Saucy Saturday FUN (ha ha). My sense of humour is rubbing off on hubby’s sensible spirit. It took over a decade of togetherness but I wore him down day by day.

Now it’s Cornetto O Clock & Chicken Therapy. It’s Portugal Day today! I’m trying to gain enough energy to attend a local evening festival, getting old is no joke, my heart is forever 21, reality says 49 and my body screams 110 (ha ha).

You Reap What You Sow

Blessed are you who sow. Every seed you so plant. will grow into bountiful crops for great harvest. Amen.

I LOVE these photos so much. It’s mind blowing to think all this grew from one tiny seed!

Our First Strawberry of 2023 (16/06/2023)

As there was only one we gave it to Marvellous Milo (Bunny). He loved it!

Sunflower Selfies & More (17/06/2023)

What a beautiful day of gardening and a Happy Helena’s Harvest, so many vivid colours. The Sunflowers are taller than me! That’s not too difficult as I’m a short ass (ha ha). Sunflowers are the happiest flower.

A Perfect Pair

Another day of awesome harvest including these 2 beauties. What whoppers! I love round courgette’s they are yummy and slightly ever so nutty like me (ha ha).

Hubby bought me a new iPhone! So I’m obviously trying out my new camera, I love it. It’s a slightly early 50th birthday pressie. Persistence pays off ladies. Nagging doesn’t work so I changed my tactic. I just kept asking to borrow his phone on day trips by saying that his camera is so much nicer than mine. I also put pressure on by stating that I want to get nice photos of Teanna’s upcoming graduation because it’s a once in a lifetime special event. The man couldn’t say no (ha ha).

In all fairness, I don’t ask ask for much and I’m a frugal lass and a very cheap date as my favourite food is pizza. Just putting that out there in case anything happens to hubby in the near future and anyone wants a cheapo new wife (ha ha). I will also drink almost any kind of alcohol as long as it’s not Pernod and black, horrific experience from 1992 that I will never forget in a hurry.

Advice from a Sunflower

Be bright sunny and positive. Know your roots. Spread seeds of happiness. Rise, shine and hold your head up high. Keep on growing. Even on the darkest days, stand tall and find the sunlight.

The Unkempt Tomato Bush & More (26/06/2023)

My favourite hobby: gardening and photographing fruit, flowers and veggies in my little haven, I know how to rock & roll (ha ha). Can you tell I’m relishing owning my own house with a garden. Before relocating to Portugal I lived in a tiny first floor rented flat with no garden. The bedroom didn’t even have a window! I waited 5 long years on a long council list to rent a tiny community allotment to grow my own food and had to pay an annual fee for the privilege. 8 years of frugal saving = Our little 3 bed schist casa in Central Portugal and no mortgage or working every day until retirement age for me, I’m a lady of leisure at nearly 50 and loving it (ha ha).

I will never tire of this simple joy of Mother Nature. Today I share my raised bed Tomatoes and other delights because I think you may be fed up of my Sunflower Selfies (ha ha). I’ve given up pruning my Tomatoes so they are more of a wild bush. It’s fine and dandy because no one ever died of an unkempt bush, believe me I know (ha ha).

There may or may not be some sneaky new Sunflower Selfies because I’m totally obsessed with them and they change and grow each day. The Sunflower heads are gigantic this year and there are multiple. My head is of regular size and I only have one. Some people have 2 faces whereas I just have 1 perky positive personality (ha ha).

To plant a garden is to dream of tomorrow.

The Compost Bin – Where Mysteries Bloom

My garden, where strange plants grow and mysteries bloom. Nature never ceases to amaze me. Random plants growing out of our compost bin including tomato and squash (ha ha).

What a WHOPPER!

Carol is sad, I picked her a strawberry, there was only 1 ripe one. Michonne stole it at lightening speed and did a runner. I will have to try that trick with hubby when he has a sneaky cake from the Pão delivery van without telling me (ha ha). Carol used to be a pristine shade of glorious swan white. She now resembles a dirty bird from all the dirt baths under the fig tree. I’m also a dirty bird and my new nickname is “Mucky Mare” from all my down and dirty gardening and posing with saucy rude shaped veg (ha ha).

I don’t think this white outfit is going to be white for long after my ladies kick shit and dirt all over me. It’s actually a Primarni (AKA Primark) €3.50 long vest but it fits me as a short dress because I’m vertically challenged (ha ha). Look at this whopper of a Courgette! Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine (ha ha). I usually pick these round Courgettes when they are smaller as they are more nutty and delicious when a smaller size – a bit like me (ha ha). I think the chickens will get a welcomed treat later.

Sunflower Addict

More Sunflower Selfies! My name is Helena and I am a Sunflower addict (ha ha).

“We’re all beautiful golden sunflowers inside, we’re all blessed by our own seed and golden hairy naked accomplishment” – Allen Ginsberg (the visionary poet).

Helena & Hubby Hammock Time

OMG hubby surprised me with a hammock! My life is complete! Helena Hammock Heaven.

I hope the ancient fig tree and this cheapo Lidl hammock holds my bulk of a weight because if not I’m crash landing onto my chickens below and it won’t be a pretty sight (ha ha). Best purchase ever especially as I have no coccyx. So much more comfy than a hard upcycled garden pallet sofa. The added bonus is I have tons of huge green figs literally inches from my cake hole, I’m just waiting for them to ripen then their all mine, every single last one, finders keepers, losers weepers (ha ha).

Sunflower Hat

First Marigold of 2023

Random Flower Finds

This cactus type plant is growing randomly out of our wall. Don’t you just love Mother Nature and free plants (ha ha).

Lettuce Entertain You

Lettuce entertain you! Today the crazy ass Brit is dancing in her garden with a bouquet of Lush Lettuce (ha ha). I think the soaring heat has frazzled my mind, body and soul. I might walk down the aisle with this bouquet when I renew my 10 year wedding vows (ha ha). I will share my lovely lettuce with our chickens, bunny boy Milo and the piggy boys Rick & Negan because sharing is caring. Don’t forget to dance in the garden with your veggies, I promise you it will make you smile for a while, I’m living proof (ha ha).

I’ve given up on guessing dates as I am a brain fog menopausal lady of leisure with no real job or purpose in life hence why I don’t even know what day it is yet alone the date (ha ha). All the above undated posts are from June 2023, that I do know.

Bye for a While (01/07/2023)

This will be my last post for a while. I am heading back to the UK soon to celebrate my daughters graduation from Uni and my sons 30th birthday. Then my daughter returns with us to Portugal for 3 weeks of Summer FUN. I need to prepare for my trip but more importantly sort and clean my house in preparation for our house/pet sitters. I don’t want them to think that I’m a mucky mare due to my lack of cleaning skills. Any spare time and you will find me SUP boarding on the rivers or having fun at festivals.

How will you guys cope without reading my hilarious posts? (because I’m funny as hell). I’m sure you will all miss my dancing and prancing in my garden and posing for multiple photos with rude shaped veggies. Your life will be a little less shiny without the presence of the crazy Brit (ha ha). Don’t despair, you will survive, there is always alcohol and if it’s before 11am then coffee and cake hits the spot. I end the week and month with a final few saucy shaped courgettes and sensational sunflower selfies. I like to harvest the courgettes when they are this size as they taste so much better. I’m not sure if hubby likes them larger but he’s out of luck (ha ha). Love your health and love your vegetables.

We do have a couple of awesome festivals in Portugal planned for July before we jet off. I will share photos of the highlights on blog posts so if your having Helena withdrawal symptoms you can view the highlights. Whatever you are up to this Summer, have a blast, I miss you already XXX

Nuttydora

I found a huge Sunflower vase whilst cleaning our house in prep for our house sitters, it was left by the previous owners. One persons trash is another persons treasure. My glorious Sunflowers are coming to the end of their life cycle so before I save seed and feed them to my chickens I thought I would surprise hubby by delivering him my very own Interflora flowers complete with heavy vase. My flower delivery business is less Interflora and more Nuttydora (ha ha). I delivered them to his office door and it made him smile. This cleaning malarkey is knackering. It is defo Helena Hammock & Chicken Therapy O Clock with a nice cold drink and a well deserved ice cream.

Colour Coordinating with my Flowers & Firsts (07/07/2023)

Today I am colour coordinating with our beautiful Rose of Sharon. I think it should be called Rose of Helena! (ha ha). I also discovered our first tiny Tomatoes and Chillies! Hubby is delighted because the Chillies are the Stripey Sugar rush variety so should morph into an awesome sight to see, time will tell. My Sunflowers are coming to the end of their life, RIP my beautiful happy souls.

First Tomatoes (12/07/2023)

First ripe tomatoes of 2023 and the round courgette’s keep coming. It’s amazing what you can grow in a raised bed! Good nutrition is key to a healthy mind and body. Right, I really do need to sign off now for a while and tidy my house.

A Peachy Kind of Day

A tiring but peachy ass kind of day. Pão de Deus from our daily village bread delivery van. The name translates to Bread of God and it’s certainly heavenly. Simple, underrated but very tasty, a bit like me (ha ha). A well deserved treat after a full day of gardening and DIY maintenance. I fell off a wall twice and nearly broke my arm! I found 3 red raspberries growing so I took the opportunity to turn my buns into breasts of course (ha ha). Hubby loves the bread rolls which are light and fluffy. All sorrows are less with bread.

A small harvest today but an ass shaped round courgette (ha ha). Gotta love rude shaped veggies. Then to top it all off my lovely neighbour gifted us a huge bag of peaches which also look like ass (ha ha). A kind gesture as I power washed her garden steps.

Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes.

Fabulous Figs (11/08/2023)

The green figs are almost ready and gigantic this year! Nearly time to enjoy a protein fruit smoothie.

Terrific Tomatoes (15/08/2023)

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. Homegrown from seed with love (Super Sweet variety). 100% organic and very yummy.

Figs & Cocktail Sticks – Minus the Cocktails (18/08/2023)

The Figs are ripe! beyond excited. This is how I serve them to hubby whilst he is working hard in the home office. On a plate with cocktail sticks so he doesn’t get sticky whilst in important online meetings (ha ha).

Terrific & Terrible Tomatoes (29/08/2023)

Today I share my terrific tomatoes and my terrible tomatoes. Over a decade ago I successfully grew Tumbling Tom tomatoes in hanging baskets in my back yard in Bristol, with a lot of help from my green fingered mum. I have successfully grown a variety of tomatoes here in Portugal in raised beds in my little garden. This year I decided to try my luck with Tumbling Toms in pots on my balcony. When I saw the seeds in the store it instantly made me think of my heavenly mum so I bought a packet.

I did not think about the 40+ degree heat and they have not faired very well. What I find funny is that although they are half dead they are still trying to survive and are producing a few ripe red splendours. God bless these tomatoes for hanging in there. They are a bit like me on my daily jogs, hot, withered, tired, half dead in the heat and in desperate need of a good garden hose down but persevering through (ha ha).

The raised beds have been more of a success and have blessed us with tons of the sugar sweet cherry tomatoes. Now I just need to encourage hubby to eat tomatoes as he won’t eat them fresh only in a sauce. I know he is crazy, I might have to disguise them as beer or stuff them inside a fartura (ha ha).

The Random Tomato Plant (30/08/2023)

This tomato plant (Yellow Pear variety) started growing out of the side of our garden compost bin. Hubby planted it into a pot and look what happened! Crazy as we didn’t even plant any of these seeds this year. The plant must have self seeded in our magic compost from last years tomatoes. Don’t you just love Mother Nature and finding random weird treasures. Sometimes you can nurture a tiny seed, sing to it (ha ha) and offer all the TLC in the world and your plants die. Other times you grow Yellow Pear tomatoes by pure accident. Gardening is weird yet wonderful. These images were taken 30/08/2023 at 7.30pm, the sun is nearly setting and it’s still a beautiful 25 degrees in our garden and life is pretty wonderful.

The last 3 photos are how it all started. Our compost is MAGICAL!

Freezer Full of Figs (03/09/2023)

I LOVE Figs. Especially green figs. I also enjoy chilling in my hammock under our fig tree with my chickens. There is only so many figs 2 people can eat so I chop and freeze in 200g bags with a banana to make fig and banana protein smoothie. Just add vanilla protein powder, ice cubes and water and it makes 2 delicious shakes, I enjoy one every single day and serve it in a beer glass with a straw because why not (ha ha).

I already have over 90 bags in my chest freezer which will keep us smoothie supplied until December. I’m rapidly running out of space in my freezer to the point where I’m going to have to find another secret hiding place for the dead body and relocate it to make room for the figs (ha ha).

Helena’s Bargain Bucket Hat (14/09/2023)

Hats are like a halo of happiness (ha ha). My fantastic frugal find: A Primarni €1 reversible hat, gotta love a Primark sale. I purchased this hat to keep the sun off my face whilst gardening but in all honesty I’m not a hat person. Bucket hats are not a good look on Helena I’d probably look better with an actual bucket on my head (ha ha).

I am loving that you get 2 looks for the price of one. Life consists of two sides … light and dark, joy and sorrow. I think you can clearly see which side I tend to steer towards! I promise I haven’t been drinking this early in the morning! Life is too short to be miserable. Have FUN in the SUN like Helena and never take life too seriously (ha ha).

Red Hot Chilli Momma (14/09/2023)

What’s with the crazy weather? Over 30 degrees and not supposed to rain until tomorrow yet there is scary loud thunder! I’m sat in my hammock hoping I don’t get struck by lightening because hubby would miss my perky princess ass (ha ha).

The clouds are awesome today, so beautiful. I’m delighted we eventually have some Chillies growing. Couldn’t resist a few Chilli and Cloud Selfies because nature, cloud spotting and gardening are awesome hobbies It’s just started pissing it down and hubby came to save me (ha ha).

Chu Chu – Glorious Gift (18/09/2023)

I LOVE the kindness of our Portuguese neighbours. Chu Chu is delicious in a Veggie Chilli and rice. Simple gifts of generosity warm my heart, Sharing is Caring. We got exciting news today! Hubby has to return to London UK for an urgent work meeting resulting in Princess Helena being left home alone and flying solo for a couple of days. Just think of the chaos I’m gonna cause! (ha ha). I feel a tittie art project number 2 is on the cards! How lush is the sun today? Sunshine magically transforms me into Happy Helena.

Night Time Fig Looting (20/09/2023)

In all honesty it was light when I started climbing up the tree! (ha ha).

Chilli & Cloud Selfies (21/09/2023)

Hubby is on a business trip in London, UK so I am on Chilli patrol. I hope I don’t kill his precious chillies before he returns!

Dancing Sunflower

After the Chilli Patrol, I dance in the garden!

Tiago & The Titties (23/09/2023)

I think Tiago the Toad has taken quite a shine to my Garden Tittie Art Project (ha ha). My night time ritual: Checking in on Tiago the Toad. I LOVE him so much! I know it’s not food unless your French (ha ha) but he is too cute not to share.

Bristolian Broccoli Babe (24/09/2023)

Wow, what a scorcher of a day! We tried to grow Broccoli this year. Every year we attempt to grow a wild card/something new. In previous years we have grown Sweetcorn, Loofah and Sweet Potatoes. Not much was happening with our Broccoli due to the extreme heat as they prefer a cooler temp to thrive and survive, I don’t blame them. Suddenly they have decided to grow. Will we get any actual Broccoli to eat, who knows but I’m delighted then again I’m easily pleased (ha ha).

Where there is Rum, there is Fun

After a chilled day of gardening and relaxing in my hammock I cracked open the Duty Free Pineapple Rum! Life is short so take every opportunity to have Fun in the Sun. Gosh it’s still really hot, way too hot for jeans. Although they do have rips for air vents just not in the right places that I want a waft of breeze (ha ha). I might get a pair of scissors and transform them into shorts. If I cut them wonky as a donkey in a drunken stupor it doesn’t matter as they only cost €2.99, what can I say, I’m a cheap lass with even cheaper tastes (ha ha).

Have a glass of rum and see what you’ll become (ha ha).

Whopper Lemons

We have so many huge lemons growing on our little lemon tree. Perfect addition to the rum.

Random Find in the Chicken Run

Hubby found a Squash growing under a palette in the chicken run. This made me laugh a lot as our chickens must have ate a squash and pooped out the seeds which have decided to take root and grow. How utterly fabulous. Nature is AWESOME!

Friday the 13th (13/10/2023)

It’s Friday the 13th. Just warning you all before you make any weekend arangements for wood cabins by lake (ha ha). Fear of Friday the 13th, one of the most popular myths in science is called paraskavedekatriaphobia also known as friggatriskaidekaphobia. The name was devised by Dr Donald Dossey who told his patients that “When you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!” Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13. I have to admit although I truly believe that people make their own luck I am mildly superstitious. I don’t walk under ladders and have a panic if I break a mirror. My mum always had a thing about not placing new shoes on a table which I inherited. One cute tradition I adopted from my heavenly mum is: “See a penny, pick it up, and all day you’ll have good luck.” Look what I found in my garden today! Now that the weather is eventually cooling down our Chillies have gone a bit manic. Look at this gigantic monster!