I haven’t visited the UK in over 3 years since I relocated to Portugal. I booked a trip back to my hometown of Bristol, UK last year for my birthday but Easyjet cancelled at the very last minute and I was very disappointed. I didn’t have any plans on returning until the summer of this year (2023) for my daughter’s university graduation but 2022 was a tough year for my health and hubby thought I needed a little pick me up so booked me a ticket so I could visit during my birthday week. Flights are super cheap in March because my birthday doesn’t coincide with any school holiday and is off-peak season. My return flight from Porto to Bristol cost €41.25 but I did have ridiculous flying times that were super early in the morning. I don’t do well without sleep so I functioned solely on adrenaline, anxiety, food for fuel and a shed load of caffeine (ha ha).

Hubby stayed behind in Portugal on this occasion to work and look after our crazy pets. He doesn’t mind staying at home as he visited the UK last year for work purposes so has already returned once without me. I was mildly gutted that he didn’t compete with my mad ass antics and paint me a giant stone pink penis in the garden to rival my garden tittie art project that I embarked on when he left me flying solo for a week in 2022 (ha ha). I did leave 2 plain white tiles on the lounge table and heavily hinted that I’d love him to paint a portrait of our new Guinea pigs on each tile but he clearly wasn’t listening and in his defense he did have to work 9-5. Hubby has his feet a little more firmly on the ground than me whereas I’m just deranged most of the time (ha ha). I think he was looking forward to the well deserved break away from me and my emotional baggage. He had a lot of fun without me and ventured on a long cycle ride up the mountains and cooked himself macaroni cheese because I’m not a fan of cycling or cheese and I wasn’t there to boss him around and make him join me in multiple DIY chores. Enjoy it while you can my love (ha ha).

Excess Baggage & The Shut & Closed Case

The return cost of a flight on the cheap and cheerful airlines no longer includes a carry-on suitcase. Last year the airlines abolished this luxury so now the price only includes a really small bag 45 x 36 x 20cm which has to fit under the seat in front of you and you have to pay to take a large carry-on suitcase or hold baggage. I only visited for a week and I had no plans to go on any major shopping trips as I will embark on a proper shopping spree with hubby when we both return in the summer. We have sourced a house sitter so we can return together in July and have already booked our flights. I can’t wait to catch up with my sister and meet our new baby nephew Rex for some precious aunt and uncle snuggles. We will be very busy dividing our time between Bristol, Nottingham, London and Essex. I squeezed so much into my case I had to sit on it to zip it up! I borrowed hubby’s grey suitcase as the zip on my unicorn suitcase broke which made me very sad. You can clearly see the sheer excitement in my face, I was elated for this trip!

Auf Wiedersehen Pet

I was very sad to leave my precious fur and feathered babies, especially our new additions to our family, Guinea Pigs: Rick and Negan. I wanted to stuff their tiny little fluffy asses into my suitcase and take them with me as the highlight of my day is Netflix and Guinea Pig O Clock on my bed, it’s way more entertaining than Netflix and Chill (ha ha). Bunny Milo couldn’t give a shit whether I am alive or dead so wasn’t phased about my disappearance for a week. Poor Judith AKA Poodith is a poorly bird at the moment so I was a bit sad to leave her so ill in case she dies when I’m not here. I have no idea what is wrong with her but she suddenly just cannot stand up and was confined to her nesting box and has produced a really soft egg. On the day of my departure she managed to venture outside of the coop and sit on the grass under the Portuguese sun, bless her. My guess is she either had an accident, maybe fell off her perch or has a nasty illness. The good news is she is still drinking water and eating reduced amounts of food. Please pray for my feathered friend, she is the baby and a sweetheart.

Facetiming Precious Pets

I missed my pets so much and I’m used to snuggling these 2 babies on my bed each night. Hubby was a hero and Face Timed me most evenings so I could speak to Rick and Negan. Most folk FaceTime their children, I Face Time my animals (ha ha). Here is a screen shot from one of our many calls. Just look at their little faces, they are delighted to see and hear my voice. Please excuse the poops, they poop everywhere they go. Their poops don’t smell and are non offensive, unfortunately I can’t say the same about me (ha ha).

Frugal Flyer

As you will know, I’m a frugal girl and I really didn’t want to pay extra for a large 56 x 45 x 25cm carry-on cabin suitcase. The cost varied day by day and seemed to go up and down like a crazy roller-coaster. Initially Easyjet wanted an extra €42.99 going out and €31.99 coming back. The frugal inside me was fierce and I adamantly refused to pay that price as the hold luggage costs were not that much more: €30.99 for 15kg or €36.99 for 23kg. Previous journeys have taught me the danger of taking too much stuff. I once travelled to Las Vegas with so much clothes and shoes and I only wore about 40% of it. I don’t like to waste money so I decided to do something that I have never done before in nearly 50 years of being on this planet, travel by plane for a week’s holiday with just 1 small backpack. The largest backpack I own is an Eastpack and it’s my usual hiking backpack and the bag that I previously had my fishy accident in. On one of my hikes last year my lunch exploded and tuna fish saturated my bag so it smelt like fish for about 6 months until I risked putting it through the washing machine. Thankfully it only has a mild whiff of the sea now (ha ha).

At first I thought I could manage with just a tiny backpack but as my flight date approached I had second thoughts. If the trip was 5 days I think I could have managed but a full 7 days in the cold and I decided it would be best to purchase the large cabin bag. I don’t mind packing light because it was a trip just catching up with family and friends, I didn’t need multiple outfits and different day and night attire but the weather is cold, jumpers take up space and if I had to buy new warm clothes when I arrived in the UK then I might as well just give in and pay for the large cabin bag. I got lucky as around 30 days before my trip the large cabin bag price reduced to €25.99 going out and €24.99 coming back so a total cost of €50.98 which is actually more than the flight cost. The cheapest I ever saw it at was €23.99 so I bit the bullet and reluctantly gave in as I was worried that there would only be a limited number of availability.

I also got Speedy Boarding and awesome up front window seats with the price so it’s fine. I was adamant that I made the most out of the luggage space so survived the whole trip with just the one pair of trainers on my feet. This left more space to cram as many curly wurly’s, Cadbury cream eggs, hot cross buns and other British treats into my case as I humanly possibly could (ha ha). It was quite refreshing landing in the UK and not having to wait for ages at the baggage carousel for my hold luggage. Am I the only one who waits forever for my suitcase to appear? My luggage always seems to be the last one on the conveyor belt and I have a mild panic attack that my bag has gone AWOL. I am lucky that in the sense my clothing now is much smaller and once rolled up, I was able to fit in quite a few essentials. I don’t think I could have managed with this size bag when I was at my largest and 100lb+ heavier as my clothing was a huge UK Size 22. Most of my clothing is a UK Size 10 or 12 now and small/medium so very compact.

I did consider buying one of those multiple pocket raincoats that Martin Lewis recommended but I didn’t want the security staff at the airport to think I was crazy, I also didn’t want to look like Inspector Gadget. I also researched special travel pouches which compress your clothes but they are quite expensive on Amazon so I didn’t bother. This time I remembered not to wear my huge baggy 1980’s bat-winged fluffy jumper as last time I wore it I got frisked thoroughly by a female security officer almost to the point where I felt violated, hubby was pissing his pants laughing at me. I didn’t think my outfit through properly as it did look like I was stashing huge amounts of drugs under my armpits which is strange as surely the butt is prime location for the white stuff (ha ha). I also did not wear any hair grips as my daughter makes this mistake all the time and sets off the alarms. Then she spends about 20 minutes with the officer pulling about 20 hairgrips randomly out of her afro one by one, it’s hilarious to watch from afar. I say afar because we always get separated when we travel as a family because no one thinks the white couple has a mixed raced brown daughter so they assume that we are strangers instead of a blended family. One thing I have learnt from my Bangkok airport experience is don’t ever turn up to an airport drunk by human piggyback and NEVER joke or piss around with security staff EVER! I don’t really have any tips for packing light. My only advice would be that we tend to overpack so if it doesn’t add value to your life journey, don’t bring it along for the ride.

My Basic Backpack

I have no idea how many litres this bag is but it’s the regular sized backpack, not the mini one. I surprisingly managed to fit quite a lot into my Eastpack but am glad I splurged on the larger cabin bag too.

Solo Travel Anxiety

As my trip date approached I did have a few sleepless nights. My problem is I accept an invitation or book an event with all good intentions of having an awesome time and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, then as the date approaches, I deeply regret it and get super scared and anxious. My eyesight is still not great after my recent emergency laser eye surgery to repair my retina and I still encounter random floaters and reduced vision in my right eye so I was really concerned about trying to read airport travel information boards and gate numbers as well as my aeroplane seat numbers. My biggest worry was trying to see the numbers on the public transport buses as they approached me and not putting my hand out then missing my bus which would have a domino effect resulting in me then missing my flight. I did not want to ask for airport assistance because that usually consists of access to a wheelchair and I don’t have any mobility difficulties. In the end I decided to ask for help and booked the special assistance to help me find my seat. I was also super nervous about getting an IBS attack on the plane and spending the duration of the flight in the tiny loo. Then I also panicked about who might be sat next to me. OCD and social anxiety sure does suck big time. I’m such an overthinker and my own worst enemy.

Transport & Our Crappy Car

Our car is absolutely ancient and although usually reliable, we didn’t want to drive all the way to Porto airport at 4am and risk getting stranded if we were to break down. There would be limited public transport at this time in the morning so we decided to splash out and treat ourselves with a night at a hotel close to the airport. We found an amazing 3 star hotel for €60 which is located just 500 metres from the airport. We also decided to take public transport because petrol prices have spiraled and even with hubby accompanying me to the airport and returning back via public transport, it worked out way cheaper than taking our car once I had calculated petrol and road tolls. We took the Rede Express (bus) which is very affordable. On my return journey I decided to make my own way to Coimbra by metro and train and hubby collected me from this city as my plane landed at 8am and I didn’t want to inconvenience him too much because I’m a considerate soul (ha ha).

The Invisible Man (Not Quite) – Stay Hotels

The hotel was lovely but I was shocked to discover no coffee in the room, I was distraught! There was a small kettle, 1 bottle of water, 2 tea bags (1 chamomile and 1 black tea), 2 sugars and no milk. Hubby got the short straw and endured the herbal tea in silence whilst I pissed my pants laughing on the bed whilst sipping my black tea (ha ha). I can’t drink chamomile tea, it looks like piss and tastes like camel feet (ha ha). I do think they could have supplied 2 bottles of water, were we supposed to share one tiny bottle of water? The bar downstairs located near the reception luckily sold coffee which saved my life. Tiny towels and toiletries were provided and the obligatory pathetic shower cap. Who wears a hotel shower cap ever? The answer is Helana, how sexy do I look (ha ha).

One aspect that made us laugh about this hotel room was the fact that the toilet cubicle has a completely translucent cubicle. You can see right through and witness anyone on the toilet which we thought was hilarious. You even get a great view from the bed thanks to the reflection in the mirror opposite (ha ha). It’s a good job we are a married couple and not business colleagues or on a first date. If your staying at this hotel make sure you are familiar with your significant other to the level where you’ve seen them take a dump before (ha ha). I obviously made hubby reenact prime position on the throne for you to see. Don’t worry, he kept his pants up. You are lucky as he poops on average about 3 times per day (ha ha).

Just What You Need – The Sign

This sign was on a prominent position on the hotel wall just outside of the lift. I am sure I am not the only one who wanted to graffiti it and write the words “COFFEE” with a sharpie pen (ha ha).

Our Last Supper Portuguese Style

It was early evening and we did have plans to catch the metro back into Vila Nova de Gaia and have a night time stroll and drinks alongside the river and bridge but some idiot realised they forgot their plug adapter for their UK hair straighteners so we made an evening trip to the huge shopping mall and ate our last dinner in Portugal at the food court. We had a look in one of my favourite shops “Gato Preto” and I was delighted to find our mushroom bowls. Teanna bought us a matching pair of gorgeous mushroom bowls and last Father’s Day and I surprised hubby with breakfast in bed on a tray. As he stood up to take the tray to the kitchen his bowl slid off the tray and smashed into tiny pieces on the floor. I was gutted as the bowls were quite expensive, a gift and I couldn’t replace it as they didn’t have this design in any of their shops local to me. I was over the moon to find the design in the Porto branch. Hubby was not so over the moon at the prospect of negotiating a long journey home on public transport carrying a delicate china bowl (ha ha). The pressure was high but he managed to arrive home with it intact.

Pocket Money

Hubby made me laugh as he gifted me £4 that he found in his bedside drawer. I’m not sure if this was supposed to be my weekly budget or WTF I can buy with 4 quid but I graciously accepted it nevertheless as I never refuse hard cash (ha ha). It might buy me an espresso or two if I’m lucky. I doubt very much I will be able to buy a tiny strong coffee for the equivalent of 50 cents like I can here in Portugal. I’ve actually done my research and £4 can buy me 10 Cadbury cream eggs (ha ha). It’s really weird to look at British money now after spending over 3 years handling Euro’s. There is an old Yiddish Proverb: With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well too. I sang all the way to Asda to buy myself 10 Cadbury Cream eggs, not all of them made it back to Portugal (ha ha).

The Fabulous Flight

My airport experience was amazing but the Porto airport security queue was so long that it left me very little time to find my boarding gate (under 15 minutes). I arrived at the airport 2 hours prior to my flight and had no check in luggage. The air hostess was lovely and very accommodating and showed me to my seat. I had huge anxiety about who I would be sitting next to on the plane. I struck gold as the plane was fairly empty on the way out and I had 2 empty seats next to me so I got the pleasure of a whole row to myself, something that I don’t think I’ve ever been blessed with before in my lifetime. I didn’t pay extra to choose my seats but luckily I got allocated seats of 2F and 4F on the return journey which are window seats very close to the front of the plane. My biggest fear of all was having an IBS attack on the plane or whilst in Bristol. The smallest of changes to my regular diet can start a flare up and excessive fat and carbs usually kick off an agonising onset. Luckily enough for me, although my diet for the week included way more saturated fat and carbs than I would normally eat, I only got ill once, thank god. I watched with interest a man who visited the toilet a total of 16 times! Yes, I counted (ha ha). I felt every second of his pain!

I decided that it would be beneficial for me to buy travel insurance due to my recent eye sight loss scare. I got 3 quotes but decided to go with my bank as it was affordable and easy to purchase with the mobile app. Better to be safe than sorry. I was treated like royalty, the flight left on time and was an absolute dream. The coffee on board was not a dream, it was a £3 nightmare from hell (ha ha). There was a screaming toddler who had a tantrum for the first 20 minutes of the flight but she soon settled down. A young mum was re-allocated an upfront seat a couple of rows in front of me and my heart sank. This baby was an absolute angel and I made a point in speaking to the mum and letting her know how amazing her baby had been and that she should be proud, I think I made her day. Small compliments can make a difference so don’t ever be shy to speak up and be kind to strangers. After all we are a nation of complainers.

Teanna the Taxi

After years and years of being a personal taxi to my children it was refreshing to be collected from the airport by my daughter who had borrowed her dad’s car. In all honesty I was more than a little apprehensive about climbing in a motorised vehicle with Teanna as I haven’t had the pleasure of being a passenger in a car with her driving since she passed her driving test a few years ago. Teanna had to get a bus from her University town of Nottingham so arrived in Bristol after my flight had landed. I made an epic bad decision and decided to start walking down the busy A38 towards Bristol with the stupid idea that she would pick me up at the crematorium in 20-30 minutes and it would save her the hassle of having to pay and park in the arrivals short stay car park. I could also visit my friends grave and pay my respects. I managed to let her know the meeting point then off I headed in the absolutely freezing weather with a small suitcase on wheels and a backpack. It really was bitter cold and I ended up walking for over an hour! I passed 3 pubs and the pavement disappeared which meant I had to negotiate crossing the busy main road to find a safe grassy embankment to walk along. The grass turned to mud which forced me to carry my suitcase as the mud got trapped in the wheels and wouldn’t move. My back was agony and I literally wanted to cry but I couldn’t get any Wifi so I was unable to tell Teanna to pick me up from a warm pub.

I walked for several miles when I managed to obtain a signal and let my daughter know that I wasn’t going to make it to the designated meeting point. She was luckily only a couple of minutes away and just as I hung up a good samaritan pulled up in his work van and said “I have watched you walk miles all the way from the airport, you must be freezing, please can I give you a lift somewhere?” Bless this hero of a man. I kindly refused but was so grateful as he had passed me and made a U turn in the petrol station to come back and save me, or possibly abduct and murder me, we will never know (ha ha). He was blocking my view so Teanna drove right passed me (ha ha). We eventually found each other and after a long roadside hug I staggered into the warm car. The journey was slightly traumatic for me and I hung onto the handle for dear life. I think it’s purpose is to hang clothes on but my hand stayed tightly gripped until we arrived safely at my dad’s house (ha ha). To be honest, I was so cold all my fear melted away when the hot fan hit my face as I was in ecstasy. Teanna if your reading this I Love you, your driving skills are actually pretty good, I award you a 6/10 for obvious reasons, I won’t elaborate here. Scratches can be buffed out, no lives were lost and in her defense I did make her drive down a very narrow country lane and attempt a 3 point turn holding up about 6 cars (ha ha).

Mother & Daughter Selfie Fun

The nutters reunited! (ha ha).

Convenience Verses Calories

Dad lives 2 doors down from a convenience store. Gosh, I would be fat as a house if I lived so close to all these snacks (ha ha). One thing that has helped maintain my massive weightloss in Portugal is the fact that we live in a remote rural village with no cafe or shop. There is a cafe and shop up the hill but our village is like stepping back in time and we don’t have access to a Tesco express or corner shop. We also don’t have any food delivery service like Uber Eats or Deliveroo. If it’s not in the house, easily accessed or growing in the garden then you can’t eat it. I forgot how much choice there is in the UK. 

What is Bristol Famous For?

Gosh where do I start? Bristol is rich in maritime history and known for its significance as a historical British port. The city played a major role in the European discovery of and trade with North America, which included slaves and plantation goods. Bristol harbour is home to the SS Great Britain, The Matthew and the annual Harbour Festival. Bristol was at the forefront of advancements in aviation technology. The world’s first commercial supersonic jet (Concorde) was designed and built in Filton in 1969. Bristol was also the first British city to be named European Green Capital and UK’s first cycling city. Bristol has a thriving art scene, is a buzzing city bursting with green spaces. If you love arts and culture then the delights of The Arnolfini, Bristol Old Vic, The Bristol Hippodrome, Redgrave Theatre, Bristol Museum and Art Gallery will bring you much joy.

It’s famous for it’s amazing architecture including the Clifton Suspension Bridge where the first ever bungee jump took place, Cabot Tower and Bristol Cathedral. Bristol has its own ‘leaning tower’ (Temple Church), which is just one degree less than the Leaning Tower of Pisa at 2.7 degrees. Banksy, one of the most famous street artists of all time, was born and raised in Bristol. In the 1980s, when Banksy was just a young kid, there was a major street art wave in Bristol that Banksy was a part of. As a result, some of his earliest pieces can still be found around the city. While unfortunately some of his work is no longer here, there are still 13 pieces dotted around the city. Bristol is the home of Wallace and Gromit, Chicken Run and Swashbuckling Pirates!  My favourite fun fact is that Darth Vader is a Bristolian! It is home to many famous people including J K Rowling who was born in Yate. Due to it’s location it is known as “The gateway to the South West”. Let’s not forget the local music acts Massive Attack, Portishead and Roni Size among others. Across the world there are 35 cities, towns and other places named Bristol, all of which are believed to be named after the original (and best) Bristol, UK.

A well-known Bristol delicacy is the Colston Bun, the bun itself is a sweet bun made of yeast dough and is flavoured with dried fruits such as currants, candied peel and sweet spices. It’s named after Edward Colston, a Bristol-born English merchant, philanthropist, and Member of Parliament who created the original recipe. Did you know that the first ever solid chocolate bar was produced at Fry’s in Bristol in 1847? Fry’s Chocolate Cream became the first mass produced chocolate bar in 1866. The company also created the first filled chocolate sweet Cream Sticks in 1853. Later, Fry’s Turkish Delight launched in 1914! This was my mum’s favourite chocolate bar although she should not have ate it being a type 1 diabetic. I found these tiny bars in the £ shop and they are only 55 calories each per bar. God only knows how they can call them a bar as it’s more of a bite than a bar but delicious nevertheless. Fry’s also created the first ever chocolate Easter Egg in 1873. The tasty Ribena cordial was originally manufactured by Bristol-based food and drink company Carters. Somehow I managed to scoff a whole packet of Turkish Delight mini’s during my visit! I also bought a packet home for us both to enjoy together, hubby is happy as he likes to snack whilst working and so do I. The biggest dilemma is there are 7 mini bars in a bag which is a silly uneven amount. I might very well have to physically fight hubby for the very last one. My wrestling skills are pants but when there is chocolate as a prize, I will fight to the bitter end my friend, I fight dirty and I take no prisoners, you have been warned (ha ha). He was not up for the battle so cut it in half.

Bristol Balloon Fiesta

I LOVE the annual Bristol Balloon Fiesta and used to take my kids each year. It was a free event except for parking but everything inside cost an arm and a leg. I would visit with £50 in my pocket and once we had used every last penny on rides, food and drink, we would head home after the nightglow and firework finale, with a smile on our faces and a little poorer until the following year.

The Statue of Edward Colston

The statue of Edward Colston is a bronze statue of Bristol-born merchant and Trans-Atlantic slave trader, Edward Colston (1636–1721). It was created in 1895 by the Irish sculptor John Cassidy and was formerly erected on a plinth of Portland stone in a public area known as “The Centre” until it was destroyed by anti-racism protestors in 2020. On 7th June 2020, the statue was toppled, defaced, and pushed into Bristol Harbour by anti-racism protestors during the George Floyd protests related to the Black Lives Matter movement. The plinth was also covered in graffiti but remains in place. The statue was recovered from the harbour and put into storage by Bristol City Council on 11th June 2020, and exhibited in its graffitied state in the M Shed museum for a period from June 2021. Four people who helped topple the statue were found not guilty of criminal damage by a jury in January 2022. My daughter attended the protest and we both re-visited the empty plinth during our weekend together.

A lot of landmarks and street names are being renamed due to the link with slave trade e.g. In 2020 the Colston Hall has was rebranded The Bristol Beacon. There are several petitions and it is popular belief that the naming of both Whiteladies Road and Blackboy Hill have connections with the slave trade, but both names appear to be derived from pub names. Maybe the Colston bun will have to be renamed and called the Bristol bun. My favourite name change is a pub which was once called the Colston Arms, it is now called the Open Arms (how cute) but I really liked it’s temporary name of “Ye Olde Pubby McDrunkface” (ha ha).

The Empty Plinth

It was a poignant moment for sure and it was slightly chilling to view the plinth with the name minus the statue.

Southville – The New Clifton

Dad lives in BS3 in Southville and this area has changed so much from the 70’s when I grew up here. A lot of the traditional shops have been replaced with trendy cafes, bistro’s and deli’s and it is home to Mark’s Bread and the Bristol Beer Factory. Bristol in general, for one reason or another is intrinsically associated with so-called hipsters, probably as a result of its young population, two universities, booming vegan and vegetarian food scene, street art, abundant independent shops, thriving live music scene and strong politics. Southville offers a cool vibe and is now classed as the New Clifton. It was considered “Lower Clifton” since the 90’s which makes me laugh as we always used to call it Ashton Gate and not Southville.

Ashton Gate is home to Bristol City Football Ground which is literally a few minutes walk from my dad’s house. The old Tobacco Factory has been converted into a Theatre, restaurant and bar and it offers a Sunday Market and Farmer’s Market. Some “Old School” stores are still in operation like Lion Stores hardware which now has an impressive lion mural spray painted on it’s shutter. The Hen & Chicken pub which offers a comedy club is also still thriving and again has some impressive street art on it’s exterior walls. I know dad struggles with all the change over the years and I think he in one of the few older generations (at age 80) who still remembers the good old times of BS3. It’s got so hip and dad is one of the minority and old school fogies amongst all the arty farty young folk, vegans and yummy mummies. It is strange as years ago you would only ever hear a typical Bristolian accent on North Street. I stopped to ask a man directions to the Tesco Express and he was proper posh and rivaled an accent fit for the real hoity toity Clifton (ha ha).

Tobacco Factory

This is where Teanna and I visited to see an amazing comedy show. It has a great cafe/bar and we sampled the North street Cidre.

Pricey Property

Wow, I can’t believe the prices of the property in my dad’s local area of BS3, it’s mind blowing. We rented a tiny flat in Redland BS6 before we relocated to Portugal. We got lucky as the landlord never hiked the rent in all the years we lived there and we only paid £675 for a 2 bed flat. He also did no repairs so swings and roundabouts. My son pays in excess of £1000 per month for a 1 bed apartment in Old Market! Just look at these prices below WTF!

3 years ago before we relocated to Portugal house prices in Redland and Clifton were around the 1 Million mark and flats were in excess of 500K. There was nowhere in Bristol that we could ever buy a 3 bed house with garden for under 100K. I am so glad that I made the move to Portugal, it’s simply the best decision I’ve ever made and we are living the dream.

My Bristol Plans 

This visit was mainly to see and hug my dad, son, daughter and a few close friends. I haven’t seen my dad or son in over 3 years. My dad will be 81 this year and my son turns 30. My daughter Teanna has visited me in Portugal a few times and I spent the whole weekend with her whilst she was not at university. I was going to catch the bus or train and meet her in Nottingham, her University city but in the end she travelled to Bristol to meet me instead as I had already travelled a lot and my back was just not up for another long journey on public transport. My other plans were to visit an optician for an eye exam to update my contact lenses and to order eye glasses and prescription sunglasses because opticians cost an arm and a leg here. You can’t seem to just get an eye exam without buying the glasses or contact lenses with them unless you go to see a specialist Ophthalmologist. Some opticians will sell you the prescription for around €25 but I couldn’t find a local Optician willing to do this. The eye test is free here in Portugal but glasses are extortionate prices, quadruple what I would pay in the UK so I had an up to date contact lenses and separate glasses exam in Bristol. Then I perused the multiple styles to choose some regular glasses and prescription sunglasses. Luckily I took The Official Fashion and In Style Gok Wan Guru with me (Miss Teanna) to advise me what is on trend otherwise I would have chosen a frame that resembled Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street in the 1970’s and would have looked a right spectacle (no pun intended).

My Favourite Daughter – The Child That Looks Adopted

We had so much fun exploring Bristol together and embarked on some weird and wonderful experiences. Most mother and daughter duos visit a luxury spa or enjoy a bottomless brunch sipping cocktails. Not us weirdos! Teanna had a plan for us to get matching bunny tattoo’s and she forwarded the artwork to the tattooist a couple of weeks prior to my visit but unfortunately the lady did not have availability for this weekend so our mother and daughter tattoo dream is put on hold temporarily. Instead we enjoyed some awesome retail fun exploring the maze of quirky stalls, street food and historic architecture at Bristol’s St Nicholas Market. We ate yummy falafel from Eat a Pitta with heaps of humous, salad and pickles. Maybe I’m morphing into one of those arty farty vegans after all (haha). What next? Himalayan pink salt and just joking please don’t get offended all you vegans.

Once our bellies were full the crazy adventures began! Our family fun not under the sun included Whistle Punks Urban Axe Throwing, Theatre tickets – Comedy Act at the Tobacco Factory to see Alison Spittle’s “Wet” show and Four Quarters which is an old fashioned arcade bar located on Park Street in Clifton. It hosts over 20 original arcade machines spanning from the 70’s to the late 90’s, retro console booths and a basement bar. We played a lot of Space Invaders and Pac-Man! The cocktails were plentiful and my favourite was Princess Peach although my personality more likely suits a Citrus Bitch (ha ha). There was also a wide range of beers from local breweries and the games run on Quarters X4 for £1.50 or X15 for £5.00. This place would make a cool venue for a private hire party. We had so much fun beating others to obtain the highest scores so we could write funny messages. Axe throwing was probably not the nest choice of activity for someone with reduced vision and was pissed as a newt (ha ha). No one died at axe throwing, I know it was a miracle (ha ha). They made us sign a waiver/disclaimer. I did manage to spill someone’s pint of beer all over my Zara coat. Teanna was robbed and beaten to 1st place by an Aussie bloke. He clearly had an unfair advantage as he’s used to pissing around with boomerangs and was playing against 5 Sheila’s (ha ha). 1st and 2nd prize won a drinks token so Teanna celebrated with a craft beer. We walked back home along the mesmerising Bristol harbourside and gazed in awe at all the pretty lights shimmering on the water and an illuminated wave art installation whilst trying not to fall in (ha ha).

Spike Island

Bristol Harbourside by Night

Beautiful reflections on the water, MAGICAL!

Swimming in Shit – Bristol Harbour by Day

Apparently there is to be a Bristol Harbour swimming pilot scheme to begin in April 2023, all thanks to Bristol City Council. Legally swimming in the harbour will soon become a reality in the Baltic Wharf. After an initial test swim in March, the harbour will be opened up from April 29th on Saturdays and Sundays for one-hour public swim sessions at a cost of £7 per person, and will run for five weeks. There is no way on hell’s earth that I would submerge my body into that sewerage and I certainly wouldn’t pay £7 for the privilege. I think I will stick to the safety of our glorious Portuguese river beaches with crystal clear waters, there is simply no comparison.

Swimming in Portuguese Paradise

As I said NO CONTEST!

Blessed with the Best

The only thing you will find floating in Portuguese rivers are leaves and a crazy brit or family trio! (ha ha).

St Nicholas Market

Established in 1743 St Nicholas market is the oldest and best loved market in Bristol and has fantastic examples of Georgian architecture. There were so many cute ceramics at the market but I resisted as it’s just overpriced stuff I don’t need and I also had zero space in my case for unnecessary things. Somehow I also managed the temptation of the Bong Shop (ha ha). Those yellow rubber ducks nearly had me spending my money, so cute!

Celebrating my 49th Birthday

Ashton Court – The Short Cut & Silk Cut

I had a lovely jog around Ashton Court on my birthday. What is really funny is that my old Secondary School (Ashton Park) is located adjacent to Ashton Court Estate and as a teenager we were forced to run around the park for Cross Country PE lessons. I just couldn’t physically run that far and hop over fences as I was a bit of a lardy ass lass. The absolute worst bit was they made you wear these huge big navy granny knickers and because we had to jump over fences some bright spark decided that we were not allowed to wear our gym skirts because they might catch in the fences and cause a health and safety hazard so running in our pants was the rule which horrified me and my thunder thighs. I came up with a cunning plan and used to hide in the forest area half way around and have a cheeky Silk Cut cigarette (we called them fags back in the day) then I took a short cut through the forest area and re-joined the others whilst pretend panting and somehow I got away with it (ha ha). I still think it’s crazy that the local cafe and newsagent used to sale us 13 year old’s a single cigarette for 10p whilst we were wearing our school uniforms and walking to school each day. In the 1980’s Silk Cut was classed as such a pussy cigarette and we rapidly moved onto Lambert & Butler and a pack of 10 cost 76p! Luckily for me I gave up smoking in my 20’s for a combination of reasons. Mainly due to health and cost reasons.

My Birthday jog was so lovely and the weather was good. After my 7K jog I took a leisurely stroll around the outside of the Manor House and gardens and admired all the flowers. There were bursting yellow sunbeam faces of vivid yellow daffodils and I had a splendid time remembering back to when my sister and I got shouted at by an old lady as we we picked daffodils for our mum in our local park as it was Mother’s Day and we wanted to buy her flowers but we had no money. The lady screamed at us and we ran as fast as our little legs could take us all the way home whilst tightly gripping onto those pretty daffodils (ha ha). Yellow is such a happy colour and a symbol of Hope. What the hell do I look like? (ha ha). I bought a new cheap water bottle which will replace my old one which had the logo of #DadGoals because I purchased it from the £ shop around the same time of Father’s Day (ha ha).

Underpass Graffiti

Just as I was about to leave the skies opened and it started to rain. I took a brisk walk back to dad’s via the underpasses. This is the route that I had to take every day to my school. I found some funny graffiti which made me laugh. My advice would be maybe hold off on the weed until after the exams then celebrate with a spliff or two, it worked for Josh (ha ha).

My Birthday Gifts

Teanna gifted me the most precious donkey themed gift with heartfelt message. The little note was so adorable and it’s totally my fault that she got confused about the names because I did tell her that my lifetime dream was to rescue 2 donkeys and name them Rick & Negan. We recently adopted 2 Guinea Pigs who are both male and brothers. Due to the fact that we haven’t sourced our land yet for the Donkeys, I’m not sure if I will ever get to live out my donkey fantasy and also they might not actually be both male, taking this into account we decided to name our Guinea Pigs Rick & Negan. I adore my Donkey gift and it’s going to become my new lucky charm for sure. I’m not sure how but I managed to raise 2 amazing kids, I’m blessed with the best.

Deff Leppard T.Shirt

As well as my Donkey gift Teanna bought me a lovely T.Shirt from a shop at Cabot Circus, Bristol. Deff Leppard is one of hubby’s favourite bands. I am spoilt and a lucky lass. These photos were obviously taken once back in Portugal as Bristol does not look like this in March and one would never venture into the garden during March in Bristol just wearing panties and a T.Shirt unless your house was on fire (ha ha).

Birthday Cake

I didn’t receive a birthday cake with any candles to blow out so I bought myself a birthday cake grenade protein bar with colourful sprinkles from Asda to enjoy on my special day. It was the last one on the shelf and on offer at £1.50 so it was meant to be and a yummy treat after my birthday jog. I resisted putting 49 candles on it (ha ha). Dad also bought me a couple of British custard tarts to enjoy.

My Favourite Son – The Child that Looks Like Me

Teanna headed back to Nottingham on the morning of my Birthday and I spent my Birthday evening with my son Josh. He booked a lovely restaurant “Pizza on the Park” in Clifton because he knows my favourite food is pizza. He wanted to book a steakhouse and I do love steak but my IBS stomach just can’t digest red meat well and I didn’t want to end my birthday evening laying on my dad’s bathroom floor next to the toilet bowl begging for mercy for 5 hours straight (ha ha). Since relocating to Portugal I have embraced the lovely cuisine of thin crust pizzas cooked in outside ovens over hot stones and Portugal have some strange varieties and toppings including peas! They also like to put an egg on everything including pizza but nothing compares to the UK posh Craft pizza joints which scare me senseless because everything seems to be artisan posh or vegan and they have weird ass combinations and toppings such as pink broccoli, artichoke hearts, beetroot pesto, crispy kale and some strange variety of mushroom that I can’t even pronounce. Don’t get me started on the mysterious Jackfruit! It has taken me nearly 50 years to get to grips and accept pineapple on a pizza, I don’t even know what a jackfruit is (ha ha).

I just like basic stuff like chicken, cheese, ham, sausage, chillies, etc. I enjoyed a scrummy pizza named “Double Trouble” with tomato sauce, chicken, ventricina, smoked mozzarella, jalapenos and parmesan. I must admit I did have to Google what ventricina was as it sounded like a STD (ha ha). It is in fact a spicy sausage, I love sausage! Double Trouble was the theme for our evening as we haven’t seen each other in over 3 years so some drinking was involved which obviously resulted in double trouble, the apple doesn’t fall from the tree, Josh is certainly a unique character and one of a kind like his momma (ha ha). A lot of my trip involved a shed load of British food. I had a blast celebrating my actual Birthday with my 1st born. After our yummy posh pizza in Clifton we staggered with a belly full of dough to a traditional English pub and drank our body weight in West Country Cidre. I will be glad to return to Portugal prices as the pizza meal for 2 cost a whopping £76, WTF! The photos get blurrier the more we drank (ha ha).

My Hero Dad

I didn’t give my dad much warning about my visit so he had a full week packed with fun prior arrangements such as 2 football matches and a theatre show. We did manage to catch up for a lovely mid-week lunch. My dad is my hero as he lost mum 8 years ago but he is struggling on with his grief and is living his best life at nearly 81 years young! He is as fit as an Ox and I am pretty sure will outlive me no problem (ha ha). I love this photo of dad, he just doesn’t age with time, he’s like a fine wine whereas I’m stuck together with Sellotape (ha ha).

The Happy Couple

Dad & Daughter Selfies

Looking fabulous at nearly 81 years old! Dad, not me (ha ha).

Bristol & Banksy

Bristol is home to so many talented artists including the famous Banksy. Bedminster hosts Europe’s largest street art and graffiti festival “Upfest” each year. Sadly it’s not running in 2023 but the magic will return in 2024. There are around 13 pieces of Banksy’s art in Bristol, here are just 2.

Urban Art Trail

I didn’t expect my Bristol trip to turn into such an urban art trail. I stumbled across so much street art in South Bristol. North, South, East and West Street BS3 have so much art, it’s awesome. I had so much fun discovering new corners of charm in Bedminster. I also found some amazing art in Stokes Croft and Bristol City Centre. I even stumbled across a couple of giraffes, hubby’s favourite animal. It was good to view some of the shops closed as even the shutters are adorned with fabulous art and graffiti. I just had to make these photos large, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Living My Own Fairytale

Relocating to Portugal was the best ever life decision I have ever made. I am “Living My Own Fairytale” for sure, totally blessed.

Urban Art Selfies

Dad Snacks

Mum’s do home cooked hearty meals to warm your soul, dad’s do snacks (haha). I packed my bag full of “Dad Snacks” and off I set on my Urban art trail. Mum’s cook homemade roast dinners, dad’s give you multiple complimentary 1st class train snacks, I had a backpack full of posh crisps, Somerset Tiffin, Digestive biscuits and Custard Creams. I started my own Urban Art walking tour and I was the best host. Unfortunately no one took me up on my special offer of £9.99 for a 2 hour tour and all the nearly out of date snacks one can consume. They must be mad (ha ha).

Wet & Windy Out & About Selfies

Unfortunately this outfit became my day in, day out look. I abolished bothering with make-up because let’s be honest when the look is this crazy it’s absolutely pointless (ha ha).

Custard Creams & Council Flats

I only made it around the corner from dad’s before I cracked open the custard creams (ha ha).

South Bristol Skateboard Park

I spent some time hanging out with the local under 25’s at the Skateboard park. I didn’t have a go for obvious reasons. Most of the stunts I do are unintentional (ha ha).

Leeroy

I found an interesting tyre with the name Leeroy spray painted on it. I just had to send hubby a photo as my intention is to call my Donkeys Leroy and Merlin.

International Women’s Day

I found this wonderful art work celebrating International Women’s Day, how fabulous. This important day is always celebrated around my birthday time each year.

The Pool Pervert

Located next to the Skateboard Park is South Bristol Swimming Pool. It is run by the local Council and I’m surprised that it’s still open. This place brings me mixed emotions as I used to go swimming here on Saturdays with my older sister and her mates. I wonder if they still have the notice saying “No Bombing or Heavy Petting” (ha ha). We were allowed to walk to the pool by ourselves and I was about 7 or 8 when I encountered my first “Willy” exposure. Long story short a middle aged man stood on the side of the pool and kept jumping and diving into the pool right in front of us kids. As he entered the pool he exposed his genitals and my sister and her friends all giggled. They dared me to put my goggles on and swim under water to take a closer look. I didn’t really want to but gave into peer pressure and I’ve never been so traumatised in my whole life. Looking back now, I have a strong suspicion that this was no pure accident and he was a complete pervert praying on young children. Anyway seeing his privates and overgrown pubes floating around was enough to scar me for life. The lifeguard was oblivious and we all made a pinky promise never to tell our parents because our mum would have banned us from going alone again and we loved swimming. It was also one of the few times we were given a few pence to buy a chocolate treat afterwards as mum said we would need a little snack for energy after the exercise so we got to use the vending machines which was certainly a rare treat. Sometimes we would combine our money and visit The Wimpy on East Street and share a 99p Knickerbocker Glory, those were the days. It’s only now that I’m an adult, that I realise the magnitude of this man’s actions. What an absolute disgrace and disgusting thing to do. I hope he had a shit life and that God or karma punished him one way or another. Hopefully he is long gone as he would be in his 90’s by now.

I Saw You

This absolutely melted my heart, how damn cute! I wonder what someone would write about me? I am thinking the following: “I saw you, walking up North Street in a world of your own, admiring urban art and munching your way through a Clarks pie. You looked like a bag of shit but also like you were having a heap of FUN. Let’s hang out and eat all the pies together” (ha ha).

Hope to Nope

Someone changed Hope to Nope! (ha ha). God bless my lovely Bedminster.

Charity Shop Hidden Treasures

Instead of retail shopping in expensive high street stores of Cabot Circus I decided to visit the multiple charity shop, retro and thrift stores. I had a lovely afternoon perusing the multiple Bristol charity shops. The area where I live in Central Portugal does not have any charity shops, they are not a thing here and although we have lots of Facebook Groups where you can source pre-loved clothing and items it’s not the same as personally visiting charity shops and trawling through hidden treasures. The prices in Charity Shops have definitely risen. I saw a Designer Barbour coat for £39.99 and most clothing items are around £6-£7 when they used to be £3-£4. Despite the rise in prices, I still managed to bag myself a few bargains galore.

The Story of Our Lives 

I found these Mr Men & Little Miss books in a Charity Shop. This is definitely us (ha ha).

British Food

I did have expectations of sampling a whole lot more British foods but there is only so many meals one can consume in 7 days. I think I did well under my IBS circumstances. Some of the foods I expected to sample but didn’t were: A roast dinner, full English breakfast, Cornish pasty and a Greg’s sausage roll. I also found this clotted cream in dad’s fridge. I love clotted cream on mince pies at Christmas and it’s not easily sourced here in Central Portugal so I think I missed an opportunity by not scooping it on top of something edible. In my previous life when I weighted over 16 1/2 Stone I used to put clotted cream on top of chocolate digestive biscuits, no wonder I was bloody obese (ha ha).

Awesome Asda

I spent a lovely hour in Asda, Bedminster supermarket. It’s a new kind of Happy Hour (ha ha). Who knew a visit to Asda, Bedminster could be so much fun and entertaining. The store in Bemi has changed so much in 3 years. They now have a Greg’s, a Cinnabon, sushi bar, Asian street food and a coffee station! It’s certainly not the same Asda where I used to be a Sunday checkout girl. Gosh I was so pants at that job (ha ha). I miss the Bristolian Gert Lush accent. I think I overstayed my welcome as I got followed by the security guard because I obviously look like a shoplifter. The price of coffee nearly made me pilfer a packet or two. In all honesty I reckon I could of outrun the security guard, he didn’t look that fit (ha ha). There was definitely a shortage of eggs and tomatoes at Asda. I wanted to buy crumpets as well as hot cross buns but they had a very short shelf life and expiry date. I could not and still can’t grasp all the different flavours of hot cross buns and weird crumpets, check out the dog face crumpets (ha ha). I don’t understand the concept of toast and jam flavoured tea bags. If you want something that tastes of toast and jam then have a slice of bloody toast with jam on it! Is it just me? I simply don’t get it!

I phoned hubby whilst I was in Asda to check which Hot Cross Buns he wanted and like me he just wanted the basic sweet and spicy. As I was talking to him on the phone, I listed all the strange flavours and the elderly lady next to me thought I was speaking to her and replied “ The apple and cinnamon sound nice my luv” I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was on video chat with hubby in Portugal (ha ha). If you want an experience go to Asda Bedminster, if you don’t want to see women in Pajama’s shopping in the daytime then shop at M & S or Waitrose (ha ha). As I left Asda a homeless man asked for money and I literally had 11p to my name, I felt slightly guilty as I’m pretty sure 11p won’t get you shit all in 2023.

My New Motto

I found this T.Shirt in Asda, this is definitely going to be my new motto for life.

Bohemian Bedminster

I was shocked to stumble across a Vegan Cafe in East Street, Bemi. Not your normal greasy spoon for sure. They had so many different options for milk and alternatives to cow’s milk including soya, rice, oat and almond. How times have changed. I’m really curious as to how one milks an almond (ha ha).

Gentrifying Bedminster

I was shocked to see new apartments advertised on East Street, Bedminster very close to the Specsavers and Asda. In recent years Bedminster has created a name for itself as a hub of creativity for artists, developing its own distinctive character. As more developments move into Bedminster and landlords start converting their properties and raising rents, poorer people will get pushed further out, probably towards Knowle and Bedminster Down. This will continue to happen over time until the whole area looks like North Street, Southville. I have mixed feelings about this as I miss the old fashioned traditional shops and the older generations of families who were all raised here. Now it’s turning into an area for outsiders rather than born and bred Bedminster folk and the traditional shops and stores are all being replaced with fancy cafes selling over-priced oat and almond milk coffees in jam jars. I secretly want to start a petition to bring back the Wimpy (ha ha). I am going to be the only one left soon who has a right proper Bemi accent!

The cheapest 1 bed flat is £270K and the most expensive 2 bed flat is a whopping £790K WTF! Maybe I should have bought my BS3 5th floor council high rise flat for £16K back in 2010 (ha ha). If I still lived in Bristol I think I would be living in a tent by now in a mates back garden!

Happy Hour

As well as my Asda Happy Hour there were plenty of the traditional Happy Hours in multiple pubs. I had to sample all the different cocktails, craft beers and cidre!

Fish & Shits 

Dad treated me to a delicious lunch of Fish & Chips from his local Fishminster. It is cooked fresh to order but so worth the wait. I was shocked at the prices £6.90 for a regular battered cod and £3 for a regular chips. They don’t offer a small cod just regular or large. It was huge so we shared the chips. The man in the shop was so funny, he tried to up sale on the extras and sides. He said “I know what you want, curry sauce?” I replied “No thanks”. He then said “What about some mushy peas?” I again said “No thanks” then he tried a third time and came in big with “I know exactly what you want, a pickled egg?” (ha ha). It was absolutely delicious, a little more greasy than my usual lunch of homemade soup but absolutely hands down my favourite number one meal of the whole trip until the inevitable happened (ha ha).

Unfortunately this food did not agree with my IBS and I had the severe shits the next day. It was actually comical as I was placed on hold on the phone to BT trying to sort dad’s internet situation and I literally had to run like the wind and take the phone to the toilet with me. I was hoping and praying like a nun that no staff would answer whilst I was on the loo in mid stream melt down mode, so to speak as there were plenty of loud exploding sound effects echoing off the bathroom walls (ha ha). Unfortunately a lovely man answered and I’ve never been more embarrassed and mortified in my life. What can I say when you gotta go, you gotta go! I obviously videoed the sound effects and sent them to hubby (ha ha).

Pasty Prices

I am fully aware that the cost of living everywhere has risen recently but I was not prepared for the extortionate prices of some simple pastry delights. We are spoilt for choice in Portugal with affordable coffees, cakes and sweet/savoury pastries. Nothing quite prepared me for the prices at Cornish Bakehouse. I used to buy a small meat Cornish pasty for £1.50 and the large ones were just over £3. Now they want a whopping £4.25 and £5.25 for a pasty! The frugal Helena refused to pay those prices and I decided to walk to St Nicholas market and enjoy some yummy falafel instead.

The Famous Clarks Pie

I was delighted to find that the famous Clarks pie shop was still open on North Street just a stones throw from dad’s house. This little shop has been open here since 1935. They sale yummy Clark’s pies and pasties with either flakey pastry or shortcrust. I opted for the traditional Clark’s pie and I ate it whilst walking along North Street and admiring all the urban street art. It was piping steaming hot and without a shadow of a doubt my Number 2 favourite meal of my trip. The best part was it only cost £2.40 hot or €2 cold.

My friend Andrea used work here on a Saturday as a teenager. The bloke in the shop took quite a shine to me and felt sorry for us because we were quite poor. They would often sale broken pies for a reduced price but often didn’t have any when they weren’t having a clumsy day out back. If I worked there I think all the pies would be broken as I’m clumsy as heck (ha ha). I would often go in and ask “Do you have any broken pies please?” and he would look at me for a moment then head out the back. There would be a large bang and then he would shout “Oops! Here we go my luvver”. I will never forget this man and him accidently on purpose dropping trays of pies just to sale to me at a reduced cost, bless his kind soul. I think they cost around 50p back in the day, how times have changed (ha ha).

KFC

Teanna and I enjoyed a KFC gravy box. There was a whole heap of chicken hidden under the fries.

Popcorn

Popcorn is easily sourced in Portugal but peanut M & M’s are very expensive so Teanna and I enjoyed a tasty treat to soak up all the alcohol then I ate the rest all to myself because I’m greedy (ha ha).

The Coffee Dilemma

I am a coffee addict for sure and I never settle for shitty coffee (ha ha). I was actually really stressing about the lack of decent coffee at my dad’s house as I’m not used to instant coffee. I drink the strong Portuguese espresso here so I knew it was going to be a challenge. I decided to visit Costa or a random cafe daily for my caffeine fix and purchase a strong instant coffee for home consumption. I made the right choice as this Costa instant roast was pretty damn decent. I must admit when it said add one teaspoon I added two every time but it did the trick.

In Costa I abolished my usual espresso for a cappuccino as most days my hands were frozen from walking in the cold, rain and snow and I needed a hand warmer to defrost my frozen fingers. You can’t wrap adult sized hands around a tiny espresso cup. I needed a medium size cup and a drink that lasted more than 6.4 seconds to consume. One thing I am glad about is returning to Portugal and not having to pay €5 for a cake and a coffee. I think Costa stands for “Costa lot of Money” (ha ha). I have no idea how Teanna drinks iced coffees in 0 degree weather but she does. I’d rather attempt the ice bucket challenge (ha ha).

The Custard Tart Challenge

Instead of buying a birthday cake I had intentions of participating in a custard tart fight. Portugal is famous for it’s traditional custard tart delicacy “Pastel de Nata” and it’s completely different to the British custard tart which I am quite fond of and thought it would be a cool comparison challenge. The Portuguese Nata is made with puff-pastry and cinnamon whereas the British version is made from short crust pastry and topped with nutmeg. Teanna adores a great Nata (her nickname is “Nata Girl”) so we had a great idea of visiting Nata & Co on Queen’s Road in Clifton to buy her a Nata and a local bakery to buy me a British custard tart then the challenge would begin to see which we like the best. Our plans never materialised as I completely forgot but it’s fine as it would have most likely resulted in a custard pie in the face knowing my sense of humour. Teanna would have followed suit as she may not look like me but she has my personality, what can I say, she is blessed from the best (ha ha).

I still got to enjoy a British custard tart as my wonderful dad treated me and bought me one. Here I am enjoying it to the max. In all honesty it was a little bland and there was no contest in the battle of the Portuguese verses British. The famous Pastel de Nata wins GOLD every time. What can I say, I’ve been spoilt eating warm creamy nata’s for over 3 years and my taste buds must have adjusted to the yummy Portuguese gastronomy.

Happiness is a Piece of Cake

Hell, YES!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

It wouldn’t be a British blog post if we didn’t discuss the British weather (ha ha). On Wednesday, I awoke to a blanket of snow! Snowflakes are pretty patterns etched in water’s dream’s. Very true but I’m used to Portugal weather so I was freezing my bloody nipples off (ha ha). I was tempted to build a snowman in the garden and perform snow angels but I was way too cold. Apparently there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes! I totally fell into that trap and underestimated just how cold it would be in March. To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake it is necessary to stand out in the cold. Bugger that! I just hung out of the bathroom window and took a few photos (ha ha). I forgot how many homeless people live in Bristol. There are multiple beggars and I had a little chat with a couple of folk in Stokes Croft. Homelessness is huge and I can’t imagine living on the streets amongst the freezing snow and below zero temperatures. I was absolutely freezing and survived by wearing tights and socks under leggings with jeans on top. I wore so many layers I resembled a trifle (ha ha).

Snow Selfies

Gosh, what do I look like! I had to venture out in the snow to my appointment at Specsavers in town. I was shocked to find that H & M is now a Lidl!

Living Out of a Suitcase

Living out of a suitcase is not easy. Almost every day I lost something and couldn’t find an item so had to call hubby to help me find it. I’m not sure why but he didn’t seen to know where my toothbrush was located. I really hope he doesn’t die before me because I’m screwed if he does (ha ha). I also had to phone him to add a bus ticket to my App as it kept declining my card. In the end I only caught 2 buses. One to town on the day it snowed heavy to visit Specsavers and one bus to the airport on my return journey. I hate buses with a passion and on the first bus a lady practically sat on my lap then got offended when I moved. I must have walked miles by the end of my trip. I didn’t get to bed until after 1am every day. I literally got about 3-4 hours sleep each night due to my chronic pain, insomnia and the traffic on the main Coronation road which I’m not used to after living in a tranquil country village.

The last time I slept in this bedroom was about 13 years ago. I had a work party event at Ashton Court Mansion House and my parents house was much nearer than mine to get a taxi back to. I got very drunk and fell out of the bed as it’s much higher than my bed. Luckily it didn’t happen during this visit. I also lost a shoe getting into the taxi, just call me Cinderela (ha ha). I wish I had my very own fairy godmother to grant me a wish or two. In the morning I had to pop back home to get dressed for work and I found half a dozen 17 year old’s fast asleep on my lounge floor as my son Josh had a little party of his own. He was sleeping in my bed as he thought that I wouldn’t want a stranger in my bed, very true. I literally had to step over comatosed bodies. It looked like his party rocked more than mine. We had a Madness tribute act which were average to say the least but it could of been a whole lot worse, it could have been a Bee Gees tribute act (ha ha).

In the end I emptied my stuff onto the floor. My room was in disarray and a right mess which didn’t sit well with my OCD. Just look at the crazy mess I created! This is me before one of my park jogs. I am not suited to living out of a suitcase!

Treasured Memories – A Walk Down Memory Lane

A happy childhood is perhaps the most fortunate gift in life! It was very emotional viewing all the treasured memories of mum in the house where I was born nearly 50 years ago. Mum was certainly the hub of our family and I miss the family gatherings where she would bake and chit chat whilst making endless pots of tea. I once made her laugh so hard she spat tea out which hit the ceiling and stained it (ha ha). I had a memorable walk down memory lane looking through old photo albums. My son Josh said to me “Do you think Nan was the glue in holding our family together?” and I’ve never felt a statement hit me so hard, YES, I totally feel this is true. When the older generations die, the younger ones seem to drift apart, it’s tragic but true. I LOVE you MUM, you were the hardest goodbye. You are always in my mind and forever in my heart.

Diane & Duke

It was also very emotional seeing photos of my beloved dog Duke, gosh, I miss my hilarious hound. I pestered my mum for a dog for years and years and eventually she gave into my constant relentless winging and let me have a dog. I was 13 years old and it was just before Christmas when we purchased Duke. I found him from an Ad in the Trade-It newspaper and he cost £20. The house where he was sold from was pretty dirty and nasty. There were several puppies for sale and he was very cheap because they didn’t know if he was a full Springer Spaniel as they had no idea who the father dog was. I got lucky because Duke was the best ever friend and loyal pet although clearly bonkers like me. He was super protective and really the best buddy anybody could wish for.

Cats verses Dogs

Mum also had cats when we were growing up. You can clearly see that I’m a dog lover and not a cat lover (ha ha). Also check out my 80’s perm!

You Got A Friend In Me

Baby Josh and Duke, BFF’s!

Mother & Daughter

Gosh, remember the time before mobile phones, digital cameras and Selfies? You took a photo and had no idea what it would come out like until you got the film developed. It seems a very weird concept now.

Cherry Childhood

I loved looking at the childhood photos of me in mum’s back garden. Yes I have cherries in my ears and mouth, once the joker always the joker (ha ha). Sometimes I wish I could go back to my childhood and capture all those happy memories.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder – Sensible Shots

There aren’t many sensible photos of me, I could only find a couple (ha ha). I think these are a school photo and a photo from Butlin’s Minehead beauty contest. Hence to say I didn’t win the beauty contest, I was robbed (ha ha).

Once a Crazy Always a Crazy

I have no idea why but here I have mini Cadbury chocolates in my eyes! Don’t ask the question because I don’t have the answer (ha ha). It was the 80’s, there was no internet or mobile phones and we had to make our own fun. My sense of humour still says I’m about 12 (ha ha). I loved my red Cadbury chocolate machine where I inserted 2p and it would dispense a tiny chocolate. It was the money box that gave something back, miniature chocolates. It was one of my favourite Christmas gifts as well as our SodaStream. Did anyone else spend hours flicking through the Argos catalogue and Club Books circling all the Christmas gifts you wanted on your wish list if money were no object? It can’t just be me, surely.

Random Teenager Photos at my Childhood Home

I wanted to re-create the first photo pose outside of my childhood home but it was just too damn cold for shorts and a T.Shirt, maybe next time! I might be in a rocking chair but I’m not quite rocking that horrendous hairstyle and not so fabulous flick (ha ha). Mum used to wake up at 5am every Sunday to take me to figure ice skating lessons. That is parental dedication for sure, sadly the ice-rink is long gone. I think the posters on the wall are of Bros and Terence Trent D’Arby, what can I say, my music preference is still bizarre and very mixed. I am a huge MJ fan but I also love Queen, Nirvana and Aerosmith.

My Gorgeous Granny

Look at my chubby ass in my donkey bathing costume. It appears I have always been fond of donkeys. I said to hubby I’ve always had this ass since the age of about 3 (ha ha). This is me and my gorgeous granny, she was short and wide, I have her genes and didn’t stand a chance to be tall and slim (haha). Her smile was just as wide as mine and she was my hero. The other photos are of me on holidays and at my granny’s house/garden, she thrashed me at pool (ha ha). I love my “Nice One Cyril” T.Shirt, I look like a boy! My biological dad was a huge Tottenham Hotspurs fan, need I say more!

My Old Bamboo

There is a huge Bamboo plant in the garden which mum and I purchased together over 25 years ago. It was tiny in a small pot but now it’s grown so tall, proud and is reaching for the sky, just wonderful to see. Over 25 years ago mum and I found some bargain priced bamboo plants which we purchased from a seller who advertised in the Trade-It newspaper. They were an absolute steal at £3. When we got to the address the man tried to say they were more than double this price but mum dug out the ad and showed him that the prices did not say From £3 just £3 so she argued the fact and shoved the newspaper ad in his face and he had to reluctantly sell us them at the cheap price. I get my frugalness from my Momma (ha ha). I killed mine many moons ago but mum had green fingers so hers has not just survived but thrived. They started their life around 2 feet tall in small pots now mum’s is almost touching the fluffy clouds in the sky. I think it’s a sign as it’s reaching up towards her in heaven and is taller than the block of high rise council flats!

Green Fingered Momma

Mum loved her garden and plants. Her garden is a little neglected now she is gone but I don’t blame dad as he is too busy enjoying life and living every second having FUN. Teanna used to love watering her Nanna’s plants when she was little.

Childhood Memories & More

I felt so many emotions viewing my old school, church and council flat. There is now an after school club at my primary school which has an impressive set of garden gnomes (ha ha). When my son was born I rented private accommodation but it was very expensive so I put my name down on the local council housing list. Back in the 90’s there was a points system and it took me 5 years on the list to be offered a 5th floor high rise flat just around the corner from my parents house. This is a block of flats where I used to deliver the newspaper when I was a young teenager. It was a great area and the rent was £34 per week including a weekly laundry slot. Just as a comparison the 2 bed privately rented house cost me around £400 per month in 1998. I lived there quite happily for 3 years. It was mostly elderly residents on my floor. Over time things changed and it became unsafe as another child found a hypodermic needle in the gardens and got pricked. My car got vandalised in the car park and a resident died from a drugs overdose. Somebody also stole the plug from the laundry room sink, they cost about 20p back then so it infuriated me. Random people kept urinating in the lift or leaving their unwanted furniture inside them, the neighbour above me got a new boyfriend and started having very loud sex throughout the night every night and enough was enough. Some of us had to get up early for work and it was at this point that I decided I needed to move as it was not a environment that I wanted to raise my son in so I reluctantly gave up my tenancy and returned to privately rented accommodation.

It was a crazy moment standing outside the block of flats looking up at number 61 as back then I could only ever dream of owning my own house. I am eternally grateful for being able to afford to buy a house outright for cash and have security as well as a lovely little garden which is my haven. The simple freedom of owning my own home after years of renting is priceless. No one can hike up the rent and force me to leave, I can own pets without having to sneakily lie or hide them from the landlord. I can afford a garden to breathe in. The stability and safe feeling of returning to a home that’s all mine and to be able to decorate it as I wish without asking permission is something I still struggle to accept and get my head around. The best part is no noisy neighbours. Tranquility and rural country life is heavenly peaceful. I will never ever forget my past, single parent life, the financial and emotional struggles I encountered and where I came from. I often pinch myself at the view I have now from my garden. It’s a view that I will never ever get bored of watching as the sunsets over Vinhó are spectacular.

St Mary Redcliffe Church

Another local church is St Mary Redcliffe and I love this church. I used to be a Brownie and when I became old enough I joined The Church Lads & Girls Brigade. I was beyond excited to eventually be old enough to be a member as although I hated the drill marching we had to endure every week and the polishing of that bloody circular brass thing that dangled off the end of our uniform sash, it was all worth the pain because we had boys in our club (ha ha).

Crusty Corner & The Cream Fight

Just a few metres down from Littlecross House there used to be a Bakery on the corner. It was called Crusty Corner and this is where I worked my first ever Saturday job at the age of 13. My hours were 7am-4pm and I got paid £1.50 per hour cash in hand. I don’t even think it was legal to work that many hours at such a young age but it was the 80’s so nobody gave a shit (ha ha). The owners were father and son and lived on the same road as my parents. They both opened the shop early to bake the bread and other delights and then they both pissed off and left me all by myself all day long to serve customers, tidy up after closing and lock up the shop. I loved this job and I got to eat as many cakes as I liked whilst blasting out my Salt n Pepper cassette tape on the ghetto blaster out back.

Sadly it’s long gone and there is now flats in it’s place. I actually got the sack from this job. I won’t elaborate but lets just say there was a fresh cream fight with huge piping bags and it got a little out of hand (ha ha). I had to send my mum back in to collect my wages. There were many jobs after this one including a PT job at the pizza parlour on North Street. I liked this job as we got 1/2 priced pizzas but I didn’t like the late night drunks as we had to wear a name badge and the blokes would spill out of the pubs and visit for a late night pizza and felt it necessary to verbally abuse us by name. I once served a really pissed man who kept asking for fish and chips which was a few doors down and he wouldn’t take No for an answer (ha ha). You had to be 16 and I was only 15 at the time so I lied about my age and just kept fobbing them off when they asked for my NI number. I got emergency taxed 25% of my total wages but I didn’t care. I also worked for a short period of time in the £ Shop on North Street, I hated this job and the boss was a right bitch. Finally I worked Sundays in FADS (Fine, Art Design) a home decoration store on East Street.

Big Ted & Bonita Bear – Baby Boxes

It was so cute to look through my children’s baby boxes. Bonita bear is better preserved than Big Ted but I think it’s because Josh had an addiction to his Big Ted and took him to bed every night. I was also quite poor so didn’t have money for lots of stuffed toys. When Teanna was born, I was no longer a single parent but married to her dad so we had a more substantial income that allowed me to spoil her a little bit too much as she had so many soft toys so it was more difficult for her to have a favourite although she did love her huge yellow fluffy duck. I was amazed to see that Josh’s baptism gown was still a shade of off-white as I expected it to be all yellow mellow after nearly 30 years in a box. This family photo is a huge reminder never to have a fringe again in my lifetime (ha ha). A fringe may cover a multiple of sins including my 11 O Clock frown lines but I don’t think it was a good look so I will just have to expose my laughter lines and keep my existing hairstyle for now.

Teanna & Bonita Bear

Teanna has even managed to pilfer Big Ted as I think Josh outgrew him by the time Teanna was born as there is a 9 year age gap between my 2 children (ha ha). The Duck she preferred was certainly huge.

Josh & Big Ted

He might only have owned one teddy but he loved his Big Ted, look at his little delighted face!

Specsavers & The Shoplifter

There was an alarming incident in East Street, Bedminster and I basically (accidentally) enabled a shoplifter and nearly got myself arrested! Bejesus I really can’t be trusted to do shit on my own (ha ha). If you are familiar with Bedminster, us locals call it “Bemi” you will know that it’s a little rough around the edges and if you take a stroll down East Street you will be sure to meet a few fascinating characters for sure. I love Bemi folk, they are salt of the earth people and I’m born and bred in this area so I feel right at home. Something always happens here that makes me laugh out loud. It was great to hear the Bristolian accent and folk shout out “Alright me Babber” and “Alright my Luvver” it warmed my heart.

This is how it went down: I visit the store to take a look at the prescription sunglasses. A bloke enters and joins me and we are both trying on sunglasses. I make the mistake of sparking up a conversation because why not. I said I think they are looking at me because I look like a shoplifter (ha ha). He didn’t laugh at all. We had a chat and I asked his opinion about which frames he preferred on me as I just love to obtain fashion advice from a complete stranger (ha ha). I left the store and started walking up East Street. He quickly followed me, ran up next to me and as he turned his head in slow motion to face mine he said “Do you like my new sunglasses?” He bloody stole a pair and was walking down the street next to me wearing them and still with the price sticker on them. I had a mini panic attack because now I might pop up on Crimestoppers as a thief because we so looked like a double act as we were friendly in the store. Why does all this shit happen to me? (ha ha). I was half tempted to go back to Specsavers and let them know that I had nothing to do with the theft but I was worried that they wouldn’t believe me and I might get arrested! Now I understand why in the Specsavers in Bristol City Centre they only put one sunglass lense in one eye and leave the other eye empty. I’m pretty sure it’s to deter shoplifters.

Luckily for me my test was booked for the Broadmead store. I had 2 tests one for glasses and one for contact lenses. I was absolutely shocked that my prescription has not changed at all since 2018. I really thought my right eye had reduced vision due to my recent laser eye surgery to repair a tear and hole in my retina. The only minor change is to my stigmatism. I was gobsmacked at the results but delighted. The cost of both eye exams was a total of £50 which I wasn’t expecting but it’s fine. I never used to pay for my eye exams in the UK as my mum had Glaucoma. At first I was told that I wouldn’t have to pay for the glasses test just the contact lense check but then they back tracked their decision as I am not registered with a UK GP as I am a resident of Portugal. To be honest, it’s a small price to pay to have an updated prescription. Here I am trying on sunnies when it’s snowing outside (ha ha). These are the ones I like but I can’t decide between the black frame or tortoiseshell. For the record, the homeless shoplifter man liked the tortoiseshell but Teanna prefers the black so now I’m confused and not sure which to buy.

The Gift of Giving

I wanted to buy a few small gifts for my family and friends back in the UK. I like to buy local and support struggling businesses so I decided to buy handmade artisan gifts from our local village Côja market. I purchased a gorgeous painted rock for my friends grave. I always feel guilty that I can’t lay flowers on her grave on her birthday, Christmas and anniversary of her death. I know it’s silly but it’s something I did regularly when I lived in Bristol and I don’t want to burden someone else with this ritual. I wanted to share a slice of Portugal so the rock is just perfect. Due to the fact that I’m not in the UK to water or replenish fresh flowers I had to come up with another idea as I hate the thought of a bunch of flowers or a floral arrangement dying and no one removing it from the gravestone. I also hate plastic flowers with a passion. A lot of grave trinkets are tacky but these little cute works of art are beautiful and just perfect for the occasion. This one was just so appropriate as my friends name is Sue so it says “I Love Ewe Sue”. I also purchased a cheese and mouse design rock for my mum because she adored cheese. Mum passed away 8 years ago and she was cremated. Dad still has her ashes in an urn on his fire mantlepiece and my thought was that I could place the little stone next to the urn. Mum was such a fan of cheese that dad placed a little bag of cheese in her coffin when she was at the funeral parlour which I thought was just too cute. If and when he decides to scatter her ashes in a scenic spot, I thought I could place the stone there after the scattering. I know some asshole will probably steal it but that’s life.

I gifted my daughter Teanna silver earrings with the message “Love you to the moon and back” because this is our personal phrase that we always say to each other. It stems back to when she was a baby and I read to her the Nutbrown Hare story book “Guess how much I love you”. She has hundreds of pairs of earrings as they are the jewellery of her choice. I found a stunning handmade crystal and resin necklace for my friend Ali. Men are more difficult to buy for so I decided to buy my son Josh alcoholic gifts from duty free at the airport. One of my favourite alcoholic drinks here is the Cherry Ginja liquor from Óbidos. It is delicious in a chocolate cup with a great dessert so I decided to share the love and opted for this liquid treasure of Portugal and teamed it up with a Portuguese sausage because everyone loves a Portuguese sausage (unless your vegan).

Cheesy Memento

It looks awesome and I think mum would love it.

I Love Ewe Sue

I haven’t visited Sue’s grave for so long. I used to find it very therapeutic and healing to sit on this bench next to her grave and reflect. Her parents are buried next to her. Dave and Shirley were huge important people to me and I am glad that they are laid to rest together as a family.

My Cheesy Gifts

I returned to Côja market and left with a couple of new beautiful stones similar to the one I purchased for mum. Every time I look at them I will think of my heavenly mum.

One Happy Bunny

Teanna was so pleased with her gifts bless her. She loved her earrings so much and put them on instantly. You can see her wearing them in the photos of our weekend together.

Duty Free Gifts for Josh

The queues at Porto security were huge so it only left me 15 minutes to find the departure gate, visit duty free, go to toilet and grab my last Portuguese espresso. There was a queue at all the cafes and I had to prioritise so me being an idiot decided to prioritise coffee. I grabbed the first thing as I ran through duty free then got a decent coffee as I know the coffee on the plane sucks big time and there is always a toilet on board. This probably wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made as I nearly wet my panties on the tarmac negotiating the plane steps with my luggage and weak menopausal bladder. You live and learn! I also managed to buy Teanna some perfume on the plane from duty free which she highly appreciated. I literally grabbed this Ginja liquor and Portuguese sausage as I ran through the Duty Free at lightening speed on the search for caffeine (ha ha).

Mother & Daughter Tattoo Time

My daughter Teanna has wanted to get a tiny bunny tattoo for some time now. My tattoo’s were inked over 30 years ago. They haven’t aged well, have deteriorated and faded over the years, a bit like me (ha ha). In all honesty I had not contemplated getting another tattoo in my lifetime. I do want to have a cover up on one of my old tattoo’s at some point but other than that I had no plans on any new additions until Teanna made her suggestion of matching tattoo’s and how could I refuse! Teanna found an awesome bunny artwork and sent the tattooist the design but unfortunately they didn’t have availability for the weekend that we were both in Bristol. It’s a shame as I would rather get a tattoo in Winter or Spring as come summertime I will be visiting all the river beaches and SUP boarding every spare moment and I know you can’t expose new tattoo’s to water. We will need to come up with a new plan but for now I had a cunning plan to cheer up my sad girl. I found the name of the lady who makes the stone art and messaged her about creating a unique personal stone with the exact bunny art that we were going to have as the tattoo. Oh my gosh this lady absolutely smashed my expectations, it is more special than I could ever have imagined and Teanna was so shocked and delighted. The funny part was she asked if I painted it. Not likely with my shit creativity, poor vision and arthritic hands (ha ha). I love that it is pocket sized and can be used as a lucky charm. Teanna once bought me a tiny Bristol blue glass lucky cat which I kept as a lucky charm. It served us well over the years and she took it to her exams and aced them all. I carried it to job interviews and smashed each one. Hopefully this bunny stone can be her new lucky trinket or cheer her up when she is feeling sad.

Beautiful Bunny

How spot on and accurate! I LOVE it.

Hubby Gifts

Despite the lack of space in my suitcase I couldn’t return home empty handed as hubby treated me to lots of presents when he visited the UK last year. It was a difficult choice but I decided to treat him with a few yummy British treats which are hard to source in Portugal and if you can find them then they cost a small fortune. I opted for: Loads of Reeces treats, Curly Wurly’s, Hot Cross Buns, Frys Turkish Delights, Fig Rolls, Cadbury Cream Eggs and various Easter Egg treats. It was very tricky resisting temptation on the long journey home and some magically disappeared and didn’t make it back to Portugal. Oh and the Curly Wurly’s might actually be for me. In fact everything is for us to share because sharing is caring (ha ha). Hubby was delighted with his gifts.

I wanted to visit Flying Saucer and design a pottery gift for our upcoming 8 year wedding anniversary as the traditional gift is bronze or pottery but they take a day or two to bake in the kiln and I would probably just break all my hard effort on the journey home. Also, lets face it, my gift would have ended up looking like a 5 year old had made it and the old saying goes “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach” Very true in hubby’s case (ha ha).

Simply The Best & Blissful Balconies

My fine bone china Mr & Mrs matching Bristol cups were a frugal find in a Bedminster thrift store, a steal at £1.99 each. I am totally amazed that they arrived back home in one piece. I bought a “Simply the Best” box from the £ shop to transport them home in because hubby is Simply the Best. I’ve already sampled coffee in my Bristol cup and porridge in my mushroom bowl. I was elated to return to Portugal and eat my brekkie on my blissful balcony whilst watching the world float by. It’s lovely to bring a little reminder of Bristol back to Portugal.

Gifts for my Guinea’s

I couldn’t return home without treats for Rick and Negan. They were delighted with their new tunnel and snacks.

Easter Egg Gifts from Dad

Dad gifted us all Easter eggs and I’m not sure how but I managed to take our 2 out of their boxes and fit them in my suitcase. One actually made it home intact! the other broke into pieces so there was only one thing to do, eat it (ha ha). I found pet Easter eggs at Wilko! I think this is crazy as it looks like chocolate and dogs can get very sick if they eat just a small bit of chocolate. I know this isn’t chocolate but most dogs will eat anything they lay their paws and snout on so I think it’s a crazy concept. When I was about 15 my dog Duke ate a dozen of my contraceptive pills! (ha ha). A trip to the vet was needed but he was fine. I resisted buying all the yummy Lindt Easter eggs and bunnies from Sainsbury’s, it was hard. Never mind Kit Kat Chunky it’s going to be Chunky Helena after all these treats!

The Scream Shirt – Gifts I Resisted Buying

I didn’t buy hubby the crazy shirts or Garfield jacket but was tempted with the “The Scream” shirt. This was my face when I realised I had missed my train stop (ha ha).

British Duty Free

I also purchased him some alcohol from Duty Free. I arrived at the airport super early and was the first person to walk over the threshold of the Duty Free shop when it opened at 4am. I must have looked like an alcoholic (ha ha). I would have bought more but I literally could not carry another thing. I resisted the gigantic Toblerones 2 for £10 because half my suitcase was already full of chocolate (ha ha).

Hello Britain & I Love You

The Debenhams Disaster

My beloved Debenhams is long gone so I ordered a couple of new frocks to wear at Teanna’s upcoming graduation. It turned into a disaster as one dress got delivered and although a UK Size 10 it was huge and resembled a tent which would accommodate at least half a dozen burly men. The second dress went AWOL and the delivery driver sent me a photo saying “Hi, Your parcel has been delivered” with a photo of a front door. It’s just a shame it wasn’t dad’s front door! I had to play detective and go on a front door hunt. I narrowed it down to a house a few doors up the road then no one answered for days. Just before I was due to fly back to Portugal the dress was located with a different neighbour but not before we had put a passive aggressive note through their letterbox mildly accusing them of stealing. Luckily dad hadn’t pushed it all the way through the letterbox so he managed to retrieve it (ha ha). After all the hassle it was lovely but a little to risky and silky to the point it resembled a sexy negligee, not the look I was going for as mother of the graduating child (ha ha). I have decided to just wing it and try and find a bargain charity shop dress once I return to Bristol. This makes me slightly nervous as I only have one day to shop before the big event so I might be rocking up to Teanna’s graduation wearing my P.J’s or jeans if I don’t succeed in my fashion mission, wish me luck.

Pimp my Ride

I was so cold at one point I nearly hitched a lift in this gold car! (ha ha).

Holiday Jogging & Park Art

As well as my Birthday jog around Ashton Court, I managed to fit in a further X3 5K jogs around the local Greville Smyth Park. I couldn’t see my graffiti so I think it was painted over in the last 35 years and long gone (ha ha). I met some brave ass squirrels who literally stopped and stared at me for ages. Even the local wildlife think I’m crazy! I am actually quite proud of myself as I usually pack workout clothing when I go on holiday because I have all the good intentions of visiting the hotel gym but my lycra never ventures outside of my suitcase so I excelled myself on this trip and it was brutally cold for jogging too. I think I was conscious of all my overindulgence and extra calories I was eating. This is a park where as a teenager I used to swig bottles of white lightening and snog the boys on a Friday night. Who would have guessed 35 years later I’d be back jogging in this park rather than snogging (ha ha). It was bitter cold but I persevered. I thought 5K might be a couple of circuits of the park but I was wrong. It is in fact 4! This got mildly awkward as I passed the same dog walkers repeatedly and at first they smiled and nodded then after a couple of circuits they could feel my pain and gave a look of encouragement almost a “You got this old lady” but by the final lap their lack of eye contact with a mini glance of sheer empathy said it all (ha ha). The only mid week day I couldn’t jog was Wednesday because it snowed and all the pavements were saturated with a thick blanket of the white stuff. I would have just broke a leg or two so had a day of rest.

Thank god I bought my pink fluffy headband with me as it was a life saver, I know I look like a right idiot and it’s not a sexy look but it kept my ears warm and snug. There is some incredible street art and graffiti at the park. On one occasion I dropped one of my gloves but didn’t realise until I got back to dad’s house. I retraced my steps and found it right in the middle of a huge puddle! Then as I walked back for a hot shower a car swerved on purpose and covered me head to toe in muddy water. I honestly screamed at him so loud and I used the F word 3 times in one sentence, the dog walker behind me laughed his head off (ha ha). It is an offence to purposely drive through puddles and splash pedestrians. I hope karma prevails and this shit gets his comeuppance. I only took/wore one pair of trainers for the whole trip which was an undersight as they got so muddy jogging through puddles in the park. I had to dry them with mum’s hairdryer!

As well as my jogging I kept up my daily physio and mid-week ab exercises. Unfortunately I couldn’t do my upper body and arm exercises as I didn’t have access to my 8kg free weights and there was no way water bottles were going to work. I would just drop one on my head and cause an injury and a 9 hour visit to A & E. I didn’t take my pilates mat to dad’s house so I used a towel on the carpet and I got the worst carpet burns on my back and knees. I returned home looking like I had participated in some kind of raunchy activity on all fours. I was worried hubby might get unnecessarily concerned and think that I’ve been doing more than just jogging at the local park and dogging instead (ha ha).

Cheers Drive – The Disastrous Journey Home

If you are born and bred or familiar with Bristol, UK you will get the phrase “Cheers Drive”. Definition: Thank you kindly, bus driver. Us Bristolians might like to shorten our words and forget to pronounce our vowels but manners don’t cost a thing. I had to arrive at Bristol airport at 4am for my 6am flight. Rather than book a taxi or Uber I decided to hang out at my son’s house because he is a night owl and lives in Old Market which is a very short walk to the Bristol Bus Station. I did plan to get a bus to Josh’s as I had my luggage so couldn’t walk but the buses stopped running at 6pm so my ex husband Carlos kindly gave me a lift bless him. We might be divorced but we have a good relationship and I think we did an excellent job of co-parenting Teanna. I headed over at around 10.30pm and stayed until 1.30am. We had fun catching up some more and I was sad to say goodbye. As I left his apartment there was a strong waft of cannabis from the floor below his. I was very tempted to join the party but I might have got too stoned and missed my flight. Josh might have stumbled across me in the morning in the corridor, completely stoned and crawling on my hands and knees, searching for buttered crumpets because I have the munchies (ha ha).

The airport flyer bus arrived promptly and before long we had arrived at Bristol Airport. It was 3am and I had 3 hours to kill before my flight. I didn’t expect anywhere to be open but I was happy to find a couple of cafes and M & S food open for business. I didn’t want to consume any more coffee as I had a lot at Josh’s apartment so I asked the man if I could buy some hot water so I could add my hot chocolate individual sachet. He obliged kindly and didn’t charge me a penny, bless him. After my hot drink I glided through Security with zero queues but the staff did make me take my belt off and remove my hair straighteners from my suitcase, I have no idea why as I didn’t have to do any of this flying Porto to Bristol. I found an empty seat, ate another Cadbury cream egg and patiently waited for the Duty Free shop to open at 4am. My suitcase and rucksack were insanely heavy but I wanted to treat hubby to some alcohol for our retro lounge bar. The announcement of gate number didn’t get released until 45 minutes before the plane was due to take off. Then there was chaos with huge queues and Speedy Boarding did not happen! There were 2 queues but both were as long as each other. I didn’t book the special assistance on the way back which was a mistake as I got a little confused when we had to board the bus which took us directly to the aeroplane. When the bus doors opened everyone rushed out to board the plane, it was mayhem and a bit of a nightmare. I think I did well to actually board the plane in the dark all by myself with heavy luggage, zero sleep and no special assistance. I survived and thrived on caffeine and sugar (Cadbury cream eggs).

The plane took off about 20 minutes late and I had 2 ladies sat next to me. The middle aged lady next to me had a huge quilted padded coat that resembled a sleeping bag and overlapped onto my seat. She also had ear buds in and was listening to music so I got the second hand music too which was not to my taste (ha ha). Within minutes my stomach started turning over and bubbling worse than bubble tea. The strike of the IBS! I just kept thinking that if this lady doesn’t move her coat soon I might very well shit all over it then she will be sorry (ha ha). Somehow I managed to sip water and make it back to Porto Airport without any toilet visits. My farts were fierce but luckily for me were silent and no aroma, just gassy air. Apologies TMI!

I managed to find the Metro, top up my Adante card and get on the right metro to Porto Campanha. I decided to get the train as the bus had a longer wait for departure. I bought a 2nd class ticket and had an hour to kill so the first thing I did was visit a cafe opposite the station to enjoy a well deserved large espresso and a savoury pastry for brekkie, I certainly got my priorities right (ha ha). I forgot just how large a grande espresso can be in some establishments, this one was massive. I was so delirious and sleep deprived that I walked into the gents by mistake (ha ha). At this point I was moderately regretting not buying the gigantic duty free X2 for £10 Toblerones (haha). I got a bit confused at the platform as the signage said Lisbon but apparently it stops at Coimbra B too which is where hubby was collecting me from with our car. I boarded the train and eventually found my carriage but a Portuguese man was sitting in my seat. I politely asked him to move but he didn’t want to budge. I was persistent and eventually he showed me his ticket. He was in the right seat number but wrong carriage. He ended up moving and sitting right behind me.

Sleeping Beauty – Tears & Tiffin

I was doing so well until I wasn’t, YES, I fell asleep! The espresso was humongous which is why I’m confused as to how I fell asleep on the train, missed my stop and unleashed chaotic drama upon poor hubby. It’s a mystery for Scoobie Doo and his chums (ha ha). I literally thought I was going to end up in Lisbon. My suitcase was stuck in the overhead storage and the wheels were locked onto the suitcase next to mine and it wasn’t budging. The carriage was virtually empty except for one bloke and I literally had my arm pits in his face as he was sitting directly below me and wasn’t about to help or save the day as I previously had to ask him to move as he was in my seat. He wasn’t a happy chappy and refused to assist me or help move his case, revenge is bitter sweet (ha ha).

Hubby was enthusiastically waiting on the Coimbra platform for a hug and kiss. I was supposed to gracefully run into his arms whilst he lifted me up in the air and spun me around like a scene from Dirty Dancing (depending on how many Cadbury Cream eggs I had consumed). Instead he found me sat on the floor at a random station with a name I can’t pronounce, stuffing my face full of Somerset “Dad Snacks” Tiffin (ha ha).

The Weighty Issue

When I returned home I thought I should face the music and do the dreaded post holiday weigh-in. I felt as fat as a house and bloated to extreme. I had an awesome week stuffing my face full of fish & chips, pizza, KFC, far too much fabulous falafel, West Country cidre, craft beer, cocktails, popcorn with M & M’s, custard tarts, hot cross buns, fig rolls, custard creams, Somerset tiffin, Yorkie bars, Cadbury cream eggs, Turkish delights, biscuits, posh crisps and much much more. Somehow a miracle occurred and I didn’t put on any weight, in fact I managed to lose 1lb! It makes no sense as I usually return from a holiday with a 10lb weight gain. I’m confused but delighted and I’m sure keeping up my 5K jogs during the mid-week helped and I walked everywhere too. I even made hubby stand on the scales to make sure they weren’t faulty and he had gained a couple of lbs living the good life whilst home alone pining for me. This wonderful news means we were able to venture to our local Cheese Festival the day after I returned home and enjoy the festivities whilst sampling the yummy Serra da Estrela cheese washed down with awesome Portuguese Dão wine and my favourite Ginja liquor in chocolate cups, all guilt free. I’m living my best life to the max! I might have got away without any weight gain but I feel my ab definition is dwindling. Usain Bolt might have a 6 pack but the only 6 pack I have is my hot cross buns (ha ha).

Cheese Festival

We attended an awesome Cheese festival the day after I returned to Portugal and I consumed way too much free samples of cheese and sausage all washed down with Dão wine and Ginja liquor in chocolate cups because you only live once and why not! The scales may go up more before they come back down (ha ha). I have a blog post on our wonderful Cheese Fest experience, you can find it here: https://casavalhal.com/festa-do-queijo-cheese-festival-oliveira-do-hospital-serra-da-estrela/

Cheese Lovers

Here is my dad’s local Cheese shop. I never knew there were so many cheese lovers in the world.

Chicken & Hot Cross Bun Therapy

My hot cross buns might have got squished in my suitcase and be as flat as my titties but my spirits are high as the Portuguese blue sky. What a beautiful day eating British buns in my garden whilst hanging out with my chickens. A complete change from snowy cold grey Bristol. It’s a fabulous life being a “Lady of Leisure” AKA “Housewife Helena” It’s a hard job but someone’s got to do it (ha ha). I’m ashamed to say we have consumed the whole pack of 6 Hot cross buns in record speedy time (ha ha). I’m a greedy piglet but in my defense the best before date was approaching fast and they were too flat to freeze. We also ate one Easter egg because it didn’t survive the journey and broke into pieces so there was only one thing to do, eat it (ha ha). The fig rolls are also a packet down. I’ve told hubby to box the rest of the treats up and hide them in the office, I can’t be trusted and really want to keep the egg themed treats for Easter. Willpower has never been my strong point but I truly believe in the power of the hot cross buns because Garmin confirms they make me jog faster. Let the feast commence!

Judith is still a poorly bird and cannot climb down the steps to explore the garden with her chums. We discovered the reason behind her illness, she is egg bound. We have been giving her lots of extra calcium and a vitamin supplement in her water. Today I massaged her abdomen and she popped out an egg onto the ground minus it’s shell. The other maniacs were quick to gobble it up. I need to buy some oyster shells as they are awesome for calcium and better than feeding her crushed up egg shells. I am just glad that she didn’t go to chicken heaven whilst I was back in the UK. We are sneaking her little treats whilst the others aren’t looking (ha ha). I was delighted to return to Portugal and see so many eggs. There is a huge shortage of eggs in the UK and I missed my daily eggy protein boost. I don’t think hubby eats as many eggs as I do, I consume 2 every single day of my life because I am the “Protein Princess”.

Chicken, Caffeine & Curly Wurly O Clock

I missed my pets so much especially my feathered friends and my favourite bird Michonne. I’ve been enjoying my Chicken & Caffeine Therapy which is my favourite part of the day. Chilling with my birds as the sun goes down on another day. I didn’t think this special time could get any better but then I added Curly Wurly’s to the event (ha ha).

Guinea Pig Loving

I also missed my Guinea Pigs so much. When I returned to Portugal we grew some barley grass for them to enjoy and they experienced their first proper trip to the great outdoors/garden.

Preloved Clothing – My Thrifty Garden Fashion Shoot

I share my hidden treasures and Bristol charity shop frugal finds. It was a delightful 25 degrees on this day and gosh was I relieved to feel the sunshine on my face. One thing I miss about the UK is the huge amount of charity shops. This is something Portugal does not have. We do have some great Facebook swapping and Freebie groups here but it’s not the same. I have also found a local clothes sale but we don’t have a lot of choice for pre loved clothes here in Central Portugal. I LOVE wandering around the Bristol Charity, retro and vintage shops. They have amazing clothes and bric a brac at bargain prices and proceeds go to a good cause. I also like the concept that Charity shops are an ethical and sustainable alternative to fast fashion and throwaway culture reducing waste that ends up at landfill. Extending the life cycle of clothes is great for my bank balance too. Frugal Helena LOVES thrifting.

I didn’t have much space in my tiny suitcase but managed to buy and squeeze in 4 dresses, 1 skirt, 1 sports bra and a swimsuit. I also bought a charity shop pink jumper, because I was freezing and underestimated the British weather. (ha ha). The local area (BS3) to my dad’s house has several charity shops and my purchases were from: The cats protection league, SCOPE, Tenovus cancer care, St Peter’s Hospice, Children’s Hospice and the YMCA. I bet your singing the song now (ha ha). The original shops were: Warehouse, TopShop, Miss Selfridges, H & M, Shein and Primark and prices ranged from £2.50-£8. I am still trying my best to embrace colour and my motto is “All things bright & beautiful” I think I succeeded in my mission. The girl did well!

Red Shein Skirt

This is my absolute favourite item out of all the clothing I purchased. I adore the red and gold fabric. I can’t wear red dresses as I just look like a prostitute and not a high class hooker more the £10 trick back alley lass (ha ha). I think I’ve pulled the red look off O.K with minimal prossie look. I have no idea what occasion I will wear it but if necessary I will dress up to hang out with my chickens because life is too short to not sparkle and shine (ha ha).

Blue Warehouse Dress

I love the cute unique pale blue tiger print fabric of this dress and the cold shoulder design is pretty. It fits perfectly too. It cost a bargain £6.99.

Orange H & M Dress

This dress still had the original price tag on it but I got it for a bargain price of £4. I actually love bright orange now. It’s baggy, roomy and such a silky soft fabric, perfect for Summer.

TopShop Floral Floaty Dress

This is my favourite dress but it’s quite short so I must remember to wear panties (ha ha). It was the most expensive at £8 but I love it.

Miss Selfridges Dress

Miss Selfridges floral casual jersey dress £6. Super comfy and very stretchy too. I wore it to a local cheese festival and managed to eat all the samples of cheese and sausage, the waistband expanded with ease with the cheese (ha ha).

Ebay Swimsuit

I needed to purchase a one piece swimming suit as Arganil inside swimming pool have a strict dress code. The reception lady is fierce and won’t budge on her No bikini rule. I found a perfect swimsuit on Ebay for £5, it’s animal print with a hint of purple which is my favourite colour. I’m sure it will look proper sexy once teamed up with my swimming cap and slippers which are also compulsory (ha ha). Hubby gets the delight of wearing Speedo’s. He only owns baggy long swim shorts so he needs to invest in some budgie smugglers just not white as they become see through once submerged in the water (ha ha). I’m still not totally body confident to have a full blown stand up bathing costume shot. I promised myself that on my 50th I will stand tall and have a photo taken of me in a bikini. I’m aiming for Nifty at 50 but I’m still learning to embrace my excess skin from my massive weight loss. Self love and body confidence takes time.

Photo Bombed by Nature

It was a roasty toasty day and the beautiful bees were out in force. It’s not very often that one is photo bombed by a bee (ha ha).

USA Pro Blue Sports Bra

USA Pro Blue Sports Bra £2.50. Today was slightly cooler but perfect for some garden strength training and testing out my new sports bra. Yes I have excess skin from over 100lb weight loss but I also have muscle. I’m not about to start using fancy filters at nearly 50 years old. What you see is what you get, au naturel baby (ha ha).

A Brighter Day

This sports bra has definitely become the best buy as I wear it regularly for my garden strength training sessions. It was a super hot day with a light soft breeze. Gosh I relished that breeze in my hair and beneath my sweaty armpits (ha ha).

Pink Jumper

This £4 Primark jumper which I purchased at the YMCA Charity Shop literally saved my life in Bristol. It’s so snug warm, fluffy and very me.

Overview

Going home is medicinal, it has healing power. When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn’t the old home you missed but your childhood. I had an absolute blast visiting my birth town and staying at my dad’s house. I was born in this house in Southville, Bristol during the 1970’s and it holds many happy memories of my childhood as well as fond memories and happy times with my mum, who is an angel in heaven. There is no easy way to describe the thoughts and feelings that flooded my soul the instant I turned the key in the lock and stepped foot over the threshold. So many childhood memories are tied up in this home and it was lovely to reminisce and talk about the good old happy times. I experienced both joy and sorrow as the heart of the household (my mum) is no longer here to fill the home with chitter chatter and laughter. I was worried that every moment in the home would be a devastating reminder of my loss but I actually felt at peace like she was watching over us. It helped that dad has kept everything pretty much the same as when mum died 8 years ago, honouring her memory. We always feel that we lost a loved one too soon and in my case I just wish my mum could have lived until retirement age and past her short 66 years. I wish she could have lived to see her grandchildren grow up and witness what amazing adults they have become. Of course, I would have loved more time with her, but self-pity and gratitude are flip sides of the same coin, choosing the latter will serve me in positive ways, while the former will give me absolutely nothing.

I managed to do a whole heap of stuff with a packed full itinerary. I visited friends and family as well as my best friend’s grave. I had fun exploring all the local urban street art. It was so weird seeing how my home town has changed so rapidly and new buildings and flats have magically appeared. I wanted to do so much more like visit the Museum, Art Gallery and M Shed as well as the huge charity shop in Brislington where everything is under £3 but I just ran out of time. I do feel I packed a whole heap of fun into a short 7 days. I did find Bristol a little crowded and chaotic so I am happy to return to my simple country life in Central Portugal. It was very heartwarming and therapeutic seeing my dad and son after so long. The healing hugs were tight like a momma bear hug and lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Luckily for me it won’t be that long of a wait until I return in the summer for Teanna’s university graduation and to celebrate my son’s 30th Birthday. Wow, I can’t believe my babies are turning 21 and 30 in 2023. Where did the time go? I blinked and now they are fully grown adults, living their best life and making me proud every single second of every single day. 

If you got to the bottom of this post and read it all then congratulations. It’s a long post but such a personal and important post. It was awesome to share a snippet of my past, my roots and where I come from. I love Bristol and the vibrant city will always hold a special place in my heart but I’m so glad to return to Portugal and my little rural countryside village life under the glorious sunshine. I returned to temperatures of 20-25 degrees in the shade in March! So Long and Farewell Brizzle, you were gert lush, see you again in July when hopefully the weather will be a little warmer.

Remember, one day you are going to hug your last hug, kiss your last kiss and hear someone’s voice for the last time, but you will never know when that will be, so live every day as if it were the last time you will be with the person you love.